Congratulations to those of you who only flipped to DIRECTV's Mother 57, Looks 27! once during The 65th Primetime Emmy Awards. It took discipline to sit through a three hour-long funeral with a smattering of jazz hands, but now we must cue the mournful cello solo and bury the past....because we have some ideas to make the 2014 Emmy's even more exciting than the news that John Hamm grew a beard.
1. We find out Carrie Underwood's a robot. Have you noticed that on the rare occasion when Carrie's eyes light up, there's still a deadness behind them? In 2014, we'll learn that Carrie Underwood rose from the ashes of a broken GPX Karaoke Party Machine.
2. Excessive gay jokes from Michael Douglas, but without him having played a homosexual. His rough draft for this year's speech had twenty-plus gay jokes he didn't even have time to tell! They're so funny he'll just save them for next year.
3. Anna Faris's yellow dress is even yellower. You thought this year's dress was yellow? Next year Anna's dress will be so yellow it be responsible for everyone's mood, and also offer grief counseling.
4. Miley comes in like a wrecking ball. Sources say that by 2014 we'll have taken a virtual tour of her vagina and probably won't even notice.
5. Someone Black wins! Remember back in 2008 when Obama won the presidency? Let's have that same feeling all over again!
6. Anthony Weiner chimes in via satellite. This will keep us on the edge of our seats. And it will keep Anthony at the edge of his, because he'll have a raging hard on. PS- I think you can't sit down with a boner.
7. Instead of stairs…an escalator. By 2014, everything should look like a mall, just like in your wildest dreams! After your In Memorium speech, stuff down your tears at Great Steak & Potato Company.
8. Assassination (of an usher—no one rich, don't worry). We'll find out which celebrities can really cry on command.
9. John Hamm portrayed by an actual, spiral-cut, honeybacked ham. People want to imagine a pork product, not an actual person, sipping scotch and smoking...only to find out there's been a nationwide recall.
10. Funny banter. It's so crazy, we know, but it just might work. Still, we'd have to see it at the Emmy's to know for sure.