OPEN LETTER REGARDING TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN,
Ghost of a pirate here, and guess what: I'm pissed off. In fact, all us pirate ghosts are pissed off. We're pretty sick and tired of this "Talk like a Pirate Day" bull crap. It's despicable! We worked too damn long robbing ship after ship and murdering countless innocent people just to be remembered as drunken peg-legged buffoons who shouted "shiver me timbers!" Now yes, many of us were drunk, and some still are, but what the heck is a timber anyway? You know what, I don't want to know.
The fact is this: It's absurd to believe we all spoke with that embarrassing dialect. Pirates come in all kinds of frightening shapes and sizes, and from all parts of the world! You think the Spanish pirates spoke like that? Yeah right, good luck with those R's!
…OK one guy spoke like that. ONE GUY. His name was James and we all hated him, but he wasn't even a pirate! He was just some guy who hung out at the docks and tried to get us to comb his hair.
We SHOULD NOT be celebrated! We were ruthless, disgusting, blood-thirsty criminals, and we still are! Modern day pirates exist and yes, they kill people… frequently! And do you think they say things like "arrr matey" and carry parrots on their shoulders? No! Because that's ridiculous!
So let it be known that us ghost pirates do not appreciate this "Talk like a Pirate Day." It's not funny and we hate it.
All this said, I will say that I do very much enjoy the Garfield Halloween Special where Garfield and Odie dress up like pirates and go trick-or-treating. Haha, one too many peg legs Odie! Haha!
First Mate Darryl Slipnslide (Ghost Pirate)
If you see this guy, punch him in the face for us.