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DWTS: The Stars Have Aligned

Now that an all-new cast for Dancing with the Stars has been announced, we couldn't help but predict the secret moves and strategies these celebrity contestants have hidden up their sleeves...before they're stripped down and then stuffed into sleeveless, gold-fringed monokinis.


VALERIE HARPER

Secret Move: Being replaced mid-season by Sandy Duncan.

Strategy: Mistakes are less noticeable under baggy kaftans from Chico's.

val2


CORBIN BLEU

Secret move: Started taking ballet classes when he was two.

Strategy: THIS MOTHERF*CKER HAS BEEN DANCING SINCE HE WAS TWO.

Corbin2


NICOLE "SNOOKI" POLIZZI

Secret move: Anal.

Strategy: Moves like a potato.

Dancing With The Stars, DWTS, Season 17, NICOLE "SNOOKI" POLIZZI & SASHA FARBER ABC/Craig Sjodin


KEYSHAWN JOHNSON

Secret move: Undoing his bowtie.

Strategy: Acting like he enjoys being there.

DWTS, Keyshawn Johnson ABC/Craig Sjodin


ELIZABETH BERKLEY

Secret Move: Posing for computer wallpaper.

Strategy: Caffeine pills and nudity.

 

eberk ABC/Craig Sjodin


BILL NYE

Special move: Disproving Creationism.

Strategy: Caffeine pills and nudity.

bilnye2

Len Goodman says the announcement of this year's cast is best news he's ever heard. PS—Len hasn't heard much since 1982.

 

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