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    DWTS: The Stars Have Aligned

    Now that an all-new cast for Dancing with the Stars has been announced, we couldn't help but predict the secret moves and strategies these celebrity contestants have hidden up their sleeves...before they're stripped down and then stuffed into sleeveless, gold-fringed monokinis.


    VALERIE HARPER

    Secret Move: Being replaced mid-season by Sandy Duncan.

    Strategy: Mistakes are less noticeable under baggy kaftans from Chico's.

    val2


    CORBIN BLEU

    Secret move: Started taking ballet classes when he was two.

    Strategy: THIS MOTHERF*CKER HAS BEEN DANCING SINCE HE WAS TWO.

    Corbin2


    NICOLE "SNOOKI" POLIZZI

    Secret move: Anal.

    Strategy: Moves like a potato.

    Dancing With The Stars, DWTS, Season 17, NICOLE "SNOOKI" POLIZZI & SASHA FARBER ABC/Craig Sjodin


    KEYSHAWN JOHNSON

    Secret move: Undoing his bowtie.

    Strategy: Acting like he enjoys being there.

    DWTS, Keyshawn Johnson ABC/Craig Sjodin


    ELIZABETH BERKLEY

    Secret Move: Posing for computer wallpaper.

    Strategy: Caffeine pills and nudity.

     

    eberk ABC/Craig Sjodin


    BILL NYE

    Special move: Disproving Creationism.

    Strategy: Caffeine pills and nudity.

    bilnye2

    Len Goodman says the announcement of this year's cast is best news he's ever heard. PS—Len hasn't heard much since 1982.

     

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