When you think about Miley's over-the-top performance at the VMAs, the first thing that comes to mind is, "Why is everyone talking about this?" And the second thing is, "Who were those talented Bears?"
Lucky for all of us, we have the actual playbill from VMAs, containing the bears' full bios, and are pleased to get to know them almost as intimately as Miley did.
THE BEAR PLAYERS
Though you'd never guess it based on his facial expression, Samuel is ecstatic to appear at the VMAs. If he looks familair, you've probably seen his image on a bumper sticker or ironed on to a sleeveless leather vest. Samuel grew up in the entertainment business, dancing for the Grateful Dead. And now, after a brief, 20-year stint in rehab, he's back to rock and roll. He wants to thank Miley for giving him a second chance to prove to his family that he will, in fact, pay them back from when he lied and said he needed $250,000 to fix-up some condos in Cocoa, Florida.
Be@r wants all his haters to know that contrary to popular belief he does not wear sunglasses indoors just to hide an Ed Hardy tattoo on his right temple that he got while passed out in Mazatlan. He wants his haters to also know that it's all about the music and getting laid once you go back to your hometown. A shout out to M@ma@ Be@r and thanks to Robin Thicke for putting him in this after meeting him in line at Chipotle. He also wants to say a quick, "F you," to @humblebrag.
Stan and Jan Starr
Stan and Jan Starr are thrilled to be performing! After wowing Howie Mandel on America's Got Talent, this brother and sister duo dyed their eyebrows, put the incest rumors to rest (for now), and hit the road. They appear regularly in Vegas as an opening act to Debbie Reynolds, and also as part of Criss Angel's entourage. They dedicate tonight's performance to God and Criss Angel.
Jerry is thrilled to be part of the Bear players. He got his start doing comedy in the Catskills, but one night, doing an impression of Jack Nicholson on a rollercoaster, he injured his spine. Since then, Jerry needs to be carried, and only makes "special appearances." He's available for Birthdays, Bar Mitzvahs, and for any work anyone can find him, anywhere. Jerry says if you hire him he'll give you a free, XXS Jerry Bearowitz t-shirt with the caption, "You Mean AirPLAIN Food!"
Sarah cannot wait to make her television debut tonight at the VMAs. She wants to give a huge thanks to Miley Cyrus and her husband, whom she'll spend this upcoming winter hibernation season with, twerking in her sleep the entire time. You may also recognize Sarah from catching salmon in her mouth and defending her cubs to the death.
*PROGRAM NOTE: Sarah did not appear on the VMAs due to an MDMA-related fallout with Miley.