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You'll Get Caught Up in the Horrors of Reality

I recently read that 95% of all americans hear the Crossfire board game theme in their mind when they see the word "crossfire." While I did completely make that statistic up, it's true for 100% of me.

You may have noticed a glaring issue while watching that commercial as an adult. Yep, the kid who lost VANISHED, and his mother is very concerned.


Dear National Crossfire Association,

My son Jerry recently participated in one of your Crossfire regional tournaments and has yet to return home. I'm holding the National Crossfire Association solely responsible for his disappearance.

Your organization has a complete disregard for safety. The tournament was held outdoors during a SEVERE lightning storm, over a pit of FIRE. It's tough enough that the participants must balance themselves on floating game pieces from your board game, let alone compete! I suggest that you hold future tournaments somewhere more practical, like a hotel or a mall.

I understand that my son did not win his match, which is understandable as he is not the best player in the neighborhood, but there are rumors circulating that my son was banished to an eternity in one thousand Hells for not proceeding to the next round. One child told me that, upon losing, Jerry spun around "like a thousand times" and screamed as he vanished over the horizon.

Since Jerry's disappearance I seldom sleep, and when I do I experience vivid nightmares. In these nightmares I'm visited by my son, fingerless gloves and all. He's on fire as he chants, "Crossfire. You'll get caught up in the Crossfire."

I do not wish this upon any parent. I hope you make some changes to your organization's tournaments to prevent this from happening again. I expect your company to be more responsible about keeping track of contestants, it being "sometime in the future" and all. And just for the record: your game sucks. It's a boring mess. I'd rather play Kerplunk.

Sincerely,

Dana Sadmom

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