First of all, let's all take a moment to applaud Chris Hansen for creating another vital journalistic masterpiece.
Second of all, Robert Pattinson looks TERRIBLE in this video. We're guessing he's either putting on weight for a biopic of Kevin Smith, or he finally ate Kristen Stewart.
Now, some of you might be skeptical as to whether or not this man is an ACTUAL vampire. We have done some investigating and here are a few things that tipped us off that this guy is the real deal:
1. When asked if he is a vampire, he confirmed that he is a vampire. Why would he say that he's a vampire if he isn't indeed a vampire?
2. He has in-depth knowledge of vampires. He knows that while vampires don't need blood to SURVIVE, they do need to it stay healthy. We're surprised he hasn't tried Whole Foods new Human Blood pills, which are packed with both Omega-3 fatty acids and Omega-3 fatty blood.
3. He got nervous when Chris Hansen revealed his identity. You may not know this, but outside of being an investigative reporter, Chris Hansen is also a renowned garlic farmer. He was probably worried Chris would try to sell him some garlic. And as we all know, vampires like garlic about as much as pedophiles like Chris Hansen.
4. He's a master of disguise. This is a trait shared by all vampires, and if you'll recall, was used by many famous vampires throughout history...
Like Edward and Bella in the Twilight series...
And Bela Lugosi in the original Dracula...
So there you have it: Vampires are real and walking among us. If you know any chubby men who wear hoodies and frequent online forums, watch your back... he might slip on a Groucho Marx disguise and politely ask to lap up some of your crimson juices.