The future is now! Okay, not quite. That's logically impossible but, in an age where cars have begun driving themselves, atoms are being used as computers, and phones can produce fart noises on demand, it's starting to feel like hoverboards and self-lacing shoes are just around the corner.
Of course, for every new technological miracle, there's hundreds of attendant inventions that serve almost no purpose at all. Technically, they're innovations; in point of fact, they're bullsh*t.
That doesn't mean we won't buy them, of course.
So, while we're waiting on our flying cars, let's all take a gander at some stop-gap items that'll help fill the neophilic void.
The Ham Dogger
Why eat boring old hamburgers when you can press-form that ground round into delectable turds?
Let's face it: Bluetooth headsets look ridiculous. Not only do they seem a little pretentious but anyone wearing them runs the risk of being mistaken for a cyborg. Unless you want to get doused with liquid nitrogen, courtesy of some wannabe Sarah Connor, your best bet is to strap your phone to you face. It seems so obvious, now that we think about it.
More than wings or prehensile limbs with suckers on them, what we covet most from the animal kingdom is their handsome assortment of tails. Fortunately, the Japanese have fixed this evolutionary oversight, giving us yet another means of creepily coming on to strangers. At last!
The Pasta Fork
Tired of the carpal tunnel syndrome and arthritis that inevitably result from a chronic love of pasta? No problem. One intrepid entrepreneur has developed the technology to replace one simple hand motion with another, different hand motion. We know, right?!
Actually, we may have been too quick to judge. We're kind of on board with always carrying an oversized and fluted fork, provided it comes with a purpose-built hip holster. That doesn't seem to be the case just yet, so we'll wait for early adopters to work out the kinks first.
Still, if utensil technology alone is making such tremendous strides, the continued survival and prosperity of the human race seems all but assured. We look forward to what dreams may come!