Boy Scouts love camping. In fact, they love it so much they are dropping a cool $439 million on a new camground called The Summit Bechtel Family National Scout Reserve.
When we first read this news we had one simple question: HOW DO YOU SPEND THAT MUCH MONEY ON A CAMPGROUND HOLY SHI*T BALLS???
The grounds will include more than five miles of zip lines, a whitewater-rafting circuit, a 120-foot tree house, and a stadium for 85,000 people... but there's no way that accounts for over $400 million.
We did our best to speculate as to how the Scouts are spending the rest of the money. Here's our best guess as to what ammenities the Summit will include once it's finished...
Golden Mansion Tent: The golden mansion tent is reserved for visits from celebrity scouts. It's 20,000 square feet, has a 70" plasma screen TV in every room, and features a ceiling-high sculpture of a merit badge made out of diamonds.
No HoMoat: Boy Scouts of America now allow gay boys to join the organization, but still hold a ban on gay adults. Which is why they have constructed the No HoMoat -- a 15-foot wide, 20-foot deep water-filled trench around the camp to keep out those pesky sexual orientations that just don't make no sense to the leaders of the Boy Scouts.
Ever-Burning Gasoline Bonfire: To commemorate the fire within all campers, the Boy Scouts are constructing a massive gasoline-powered bonfire on the grounds. The bonfire is expected to inspire campers across America to burn bright with Boy Scout spirit, as well as cause the price of gasoline to double in the area.
Gordon Ramsay: Executive Mess Hall Chef: The camp has hired Gordon Ramsay as the 24/7 in-house mess hall chef. He will be serving up delectable dishes all day long, such as PB&Js drizzled with truffle oil, homemade corn muffins drizzled with truffle oil, and truffle oil drizzled with truffle oil.
An Exact Replica of the Taj Mahal: The camp has also constructed an identical replica of the Taj Mahal because why not? They've already dug themselves this deep of a hole, why not bury the Boy Scout foundation in a mountain of debt? And then why not bury that mountain under a world-renowned Indian architectural masterpiece?
Here's a projection of what the Summit will look like when construction is finished...
We salute you, Boy Scouts of America, for making camping in the woods the most needlessly complicated and expensive venture ever!