Sometimes the truth is hiding in plain sight. As if the recent exposure of the scope and extent of the NSA's surveillance programs weren't enough to turn our world upside down, an even more insidious scandal has been brought to light, by the powers of the Internet. An eagle-eyed enjoyer of sugary breakfast fare had the courage to crack wide open the ruse undertaken by Captain Crunch. Or should we say Commander Crunch?
You never earned that fourth stripe, did you, you maritime charlatan? Is your surname even Crunch? Are you, in fact, part of a complete breakfast or is that just more of your dissembling?!
Perhaps we shouldn't leap to conclusions. He did serve in Her Majesty's Navy with distinction and has spearheaded the international effort to combat Somali pirates.
Though he may have pulled a Dr. Phil on us by inflating his credentials a bit, that's not nearly so bad as some of the impostures perpetrated by his fellow cereal offenders.
This so-called toucan is in fact a mockingbird with a prosthetic beak. For years this fowl creature has been following his false nose all the way to the bank.
Lucky the Leprechaun:
Neither Irish nor a leprechaun. Lucky is actually of predominately Greek descent, on both his mother's and father's side, and a satyr to boot! Smelling like a goat and waggling his junk at dryads wasn't paying the bills, so he reinvented himself as a more socially acceptable mischief-maker. He now contents himself with cutting up the roofs of our mouths as his primary outlet for impishness.
Tony the Tiger:
Actually his brother, Tito the Tiger. In the early nineties, finding himself overwhelmed by the demands of constant promotion, the original Tony the Tiger relinquished some of his personal appearances to his brother, Tito. Initially, this arrangement worked out nicely, allowing Tony more time with the cubs and giving his brother a taste of the good life. But therein lay the problem.
Through a series of conniving legal maneuvers, the insatiable Tito gradually consolidated power and pushed his brother out of the business altogether.
Embattled and embittered, Tony burned his remaining bridges with the 2004 release of his tell-all memoir, With Grrrrreat Power..., which quickly loses its focus and degenerates into a diatribe against federal corn subsidies.
Cookie Crisp Crook:
Has no criminal record. His real name is Leon Kopetsky and he is a pillar of his local community, mentoring at-risk youth and volunteering his architectural knowledge to help build homes for low-income families on the weekends. He's a deacon at his church and just adopted a 9-year-old cat with glaucoma.
As with the less-important NSA scandal, these revelations appear to be just the tip of the iceberg. We're holding out hope that Cinnamon Toast Crunch's Chef Wendell is who he says he is. That guy's always been like a cartoon grandfather to us.