What did you get your Mother for Mother's Day? If you said 'nothing' don't worry: perhaps your Mom appreciates the fact that no effort is sometimes better than misguided effort. Or, at least that's what you can keep telling yourself.
Here's a few misfires you can point to, should you find yourself in the midst of a guilt trip.
The Oedipal Defense: "I didn't send you flowers, Mom, but I also didn't try to sleep with you or gouge out my own eyeballs"
Followed by The 'Some Distance Is Healthy' Defense. As in, "I love you almost as much as I love the fact that I've never seen you poop."
If only it had been the #2 Reason...
At this point, we might as well keep the incestuous overtones ball rolling. Though, we should probably up the ante and make it even weirder somehow.
That did the trick. Throw some biological uncertainty into the mix. Works like a charm every time.
But why limit your examples to harmless misinterpretations and Freudian faux pas? Remind your dear Mother that some ungrateful children do make the effort but only for their own childish amusement.
A helpful segue for you to point out that never hearing from you at least means you managed to leave the nest. Also, it means never hearing words like this come out of your mouth:
Unless she taught you not to mince words, in which case, this one is actually weirdly sentimental.
Finally, if your poor, beleaguered Mother still ain't buying what you're selling, gently point out that everything is relative and at least she has human children, capable if not conducive to expressing genuine sentiment.
That's kind of a bummer, huh? Went too dark. Let's not end on a low note, though. Let's end with something sweet and earnest and still not at all appropriate.
So there you are: plenty of fodder to help rationalize your wayward tendencies away. Or, with slightly less effort and mental gymnastics involved, you could just go ahead and buy a damn bouquet next year.