For the first time in Lindsay's life, she had a legitimate reason for waking up with her nostrils caked in dust. Sure, Lindsay Lohan rasped that she spent a drug and alcohol-free weekend at Coachella. But, how did she stand soberly on the sidelines, without joining the thousands of fur-booted undecided majors who held each other's floral tiaras back while they slathered blowjob tents with vomit? How did she not surrender to the sheer seduction of beef jerky-ish men lurking around the corner of every porta-potty, offering up their chipotle-strawberry flavored MDMA?
That's right, everyone who questioned her ability to practice self-restraint. What you saw at Coachella was actually a Lindsay hologram. She went to great lengths to create the illusion that she'd risen from her bathtub full of Jägermeister. And from this moment forward, she'll never show up for work again.