You finished building your combined beer-bong-slash-catheter Rube Goldberg just in time for March Madness to start. It was only later you realized someone had closed the loop and it began to make sense why the Bud Light was so warm and frothy. So while you lay there on the bathroom floor, let us catch you up on what you missed while becoming a human recycling unit.
FROM THE SOUP TV:
Beverly Hills Housewife Kim Richards has a new clothing line featuring her sayings and we've got the commercial. Look forward to her newest saying, "Dear Soup, Please Cease and Desist."
This is why you don't put children in your wedding to 300-ton primates.
Finally, Lindsay Lohan has a Choose Your Own Adventure book! Except instead of choosing, you're controlled by addiction impulse, and instead of adventures, you're hitting rock bottom.
People think this TV Satan looks like President Obama. No, it's not the one from South Park.
Thumbs don't kill people, people kill people (unless the thumb is being used to detonate a nuclear bomb)
Lindsay Lohan is such a perfectionist, she'll keep taking mugshots until she gets it right.
We took someone for a ride in the Whambulance, then hit him with a $500 bill.
FROM AROUND THE WEB:
Amanda Bynes tweeted this. Would accept a downgrade to manslaughter, Amanda?
Mad Men gossip led to Jon Hamm's boner breaking the internet. (or should we say, "murdering" it?)
Lindsey Vonn officially bagged Tiger Woods. Hopefully she double-bagged him.
George W. Bush releases a new series of paintings, contributes way more to culture than some stupid library.
First there was catcopter, now there is catcarpet. Let the nightmares begin!