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    Taylor Made

    "It feels like a perfect night to dress up like hipsters
    And make fun of our accents, uh uh uh uh
    It feels like a perfect night for breakfast at midnight
    To fall in love with strangers uh uh uh uh
    Yeaaaah
    We're happy free confused and lonely at the same time
    It's miserable and magical oh yeah
    Tonight's the night when we forget about the deadlines, it's time uh uh
    I don't know about you but im feeling 22!"

                                                                                                    -Taylor Swift, 22

    Don't you dare, even for a second take Swift's new single, 22, as just a catchy celebration of her current preoccupation with plastic eyewear. It's so much more than that! Taylor Swift has basically jumped the shark on her own jumping of the shark; which could only mean one thing…those two sharks are probably having sex!! Maybe she can talk about it with all her fake hipster friends while chugging cucumber water from a PBR can after she pretends to work a double shift at The Apple Store.

    The question is, what happens to Taylor Swifts after 22? Do they get pummeled by flying crockpots? Start web sites called GOOP2? Rest assured, we have Taylor's future mapped out, along with some hit singles she can stick on her inspiration board next to all the photos of men with strategically placed tacks in their hearts.

    AGE 33

    Taylor33

     "Oh now I'm 33
    Should probably read the newwwws
    Get ahold of my drinking problem
    (I just got new shoooooes!)

    I've never been to Europe by myself
    I actually kind of regret that
    Maybe I could refine my personal style
    Ooooh start the Paleo Diet

    Why did I ever feel the need to pretend
    I actually liked to party
    When I was actually an 81-year old
    In a 22-year old body.

    Now I get to spend my Sundays
    Baking and antiquing
    And google-stalking Harry Styles
    (PLEASE TELL ME WHAT HE'S THINKING)

    Time to read Anna Karenina
    Or something else by Tolstoy
    Now that I've completely lost count
    Of how many boyyyyssss…
    ….I've f*cked."

     

    AGE 44

    taylor44

    "Yes now I'm 44
    (I just got new shoooooes!)
    This pair is from Aerosoles
    I wear them to night school.

    I'm dating a new Harry
    This one's name is Levenbach
    He's my divorce attorney
    I said we were never ever ever getting back

    TOGETHER!

    Sorry to be using all caps here
    I really need Lasik surgery
    I'll get it once I pay the bills
    For the cysts on my left ovary

    I also might move to Barbados
    Since my children hate me
    I wish I would have put out more
    Before I turned fortyyyy (four!)

    I just realized that this hat
    Make me look like Slash
    I wore it to the Grammy's
    And they haven't asked me back!

    (They said the hat is welcome anytime)"

     

     

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