Close
BRAND NEW ON E!
The Soup Show Package

News/ 

Taylor Made

"It feels like a perfect night to dress up like hipsters
And make fun of our accents, uh uh uh uh
It feels like a perfect night for breakfast at midnight
To fall in love with strangers uh uh uh uh
Yeaaaah
We're happy free confused and lonely at the same time
It's miserable and magical oh yeah
Tonight's the night when we forget about the deadlines, it's time uh uh
I don't know about you but im feeling 22!"

                                                                                                -Taylor Swift, 22

Don't you dare, even for a second take Swift's new single, 22, as just a catchy celebration of her current preoccupation with plastic eyewear. It's so much more than that! Taylor Swift has basically jumped the shark on her own jumping of the shark; which could only mean one thing…those two sharks are probably having sex!! Maybe she can talk about it with all her fake hipster friends while chugging cucumber water from a PBR can after she pretends to work a double shift at The Apple Store.

The question is, what happens to Taylor Swifts after 22? Do they get pummeled by flying crockpots? Start web sites called GOOP2? Rest assured, we have Taylor's future mapped out, along with some hit singles she can stick on her inspiration board next to all the photos of men with strategically placed tacks in their hearts.

AGE 33

Taylor33

 "Oh now I'm 33
Should probably read the newwwws
Get ahold of my drinking problem
(I just got new shoooooes!)

I've never been to Europe by myself
I actually kind of regret that
Maybe I could refine my personal style
Ooooh start the Paleo Diet

Why did I ever feel the need to pretend
I actually liked to party
When I was actually an 81-year old
In a 22-year old body.

Now I get to spend my Sundays
Baking and antiquing
And google-stalking Harry Styles
(PLEASE TELL ME WHAT HE'S THINKING)

Time to read Anna Karenina
Or something else by Tolstoy
Now that I've completely lost count
Of how many boyyyyssss…
….I've f*cked."

 

AGE 44

taylor44

"Yes now I'm 44
(I just got new shoooooes!)
This pair is from Aerosoles
I wear them to night school.

I'm dating a new Harry
This one's name is Levenbach
He's my divorce attorney
I said we were never ever ever getting back

TOGETHER!

Sorry to be using all caps here
I really need Lasik surgery
I'll get it once I pay the bills
For the cysts on my left ovary

I also might move to Barbados
Since my children hate me
I wish I would have put out more
Before I turned fortyyyy (four!)

I just realized that this hat
Make me look like Slash
I wore it to the Grammy's
And they haven't asked me back!

(They said the hat is welcome anytime)"

 

 

RELATED VIDEOS:

FROM AROUND THE WEB
MORE ON EONLINE