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    Novel Romance On The Bachelor

    Sean Lowe, The Bachelor Kevin Foley/ABC

    Hot tubs, helicopters, and forced storylines abounded on last night's episode of The Bachelor, and no time was wasted naming the customary stock villains of the season. There's the sneering brunette, Tierra, whose name means ‘dirt', the elusive Amanda, whose worst crime so far is not engaging in small talk which, in her defense, mostly consists of, "What do you think Sean and (fill in the blank) are talking about right now?" And then there's Kacie B., the Nicholas Brody of the season, who, after having returned a scarred veteran from her previous season with Ben, must prove she's not wearing a suicide vest by wearing the least amount of clothing OK'd by the network.

    For the group date, the women competed for the chance to appear on an ever-so-popular Harlequin romance novel cover. They were split into four categories…Cowboy, Historical, Vampire and…."Sh*t, we need another category….uhh, Glamorous??" Yes, Glamorous, which entailed seducing Sean in a flimsy bridesmaid dress near a Dynasty-style spiral staircase…so, pretty much what happens in the mansion anyway on an average Monday morning. The "publishers" announced they'd choose a winner based on whoever had the most chemistry with Sean, or maybe felt most comfortable in a gingham half-shirt. In the end, Kristy, the professional (Instagram?) model, out-smized them all.

    On the individual dates, Sara, who never fails to bring up her missing arm yet never mentions her main disability, which is that she's completely dead in the eyes, was used to fill the extreme-sports-date quota. Sean and Sara learned SO MUCH about each other from bungee jumping, like that Sara says "Oh My Gosh," a lot and that Sean can be a rock for anyone!!

    You might recall from Emily's season, Sean was a huge fan of the prank…which means that becoming Mrs. Shirtless requires an ability to laugh at yourself in hilarious situations, like getting stung by a hand-buzzer or getting your heart squashed on national TV. So for Sean's sake, the producers staged the ultimate test. Desiree, who actually stands out from the crowd just by being well-adjusted, was left alone in an art gallery and blamed for breaking a historically cherished sculpture. But the biggest prank of all was that her reaction seemed canned and it appeared as if she knew about the whole thing ahead of time! Don't you just love being duped as an audience member?? Comedy gold!!

    As always, tension mounted at the rose ceremony, where Sean eliminated women like coarse hairs ripped from the rock-hard chest we witnessed about twenty times in advance, surely to be used later in recaps as a metaphor.

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