Somewhere on a hillside in Salzburg, Carrie Underwood is twirling a dress made of curtains, preparing for her role as Maria in the live broadcast production of Sound of Music, while somewhere poor Lindsay twirls in a dress made of curtains, but only because she sold her entire wardrobe for a bump.
Sure, they're going in an unorthodox direction with this, but we love it, and took the liberty of casting the rest of the musical ourselves.
SIMON COWELL AS CAPTAIN VON TRAPP
Simon's not musically gifted, per se, but he does nail the whole "Captain of the Austro-Hungarian Navy" look. He can probably get by speak-singing Edelweiss; plus, like the Captain, once he gains popularity he can finally loosen up and stop being such a dick.
JENNIFER LOPEZ AS BARONESS SCHRADER
I almost went with Paula on this one but had the last minute realization that, like Jennifer Lopez, no one has ever heard The Baroness sing.
ADAM LAMBERT AS MOTHER ABBESS
Despite her loyalty to the system, she inspires people to follow their own path. She also has an entirely black wardrobe, and has spent her life laughing off rumors regarding whom she is and isn't dating.
RANDY JACKSON AS MAX DETWEILER
Even in the midst of a Nazi invasion, vocal coach Max Detweiler made sure the von Trapp children knew when they were getting "a little pitchy."
KRIS ALLEN AS ROLFE
Just like Rolfe, Kris sympathized with the popular party in order to avoid elimination.
KELLY CLARKSON AS BRIGITTA
As a true non-conformist, Brigitta could have easily inspired an Austrian chunky highlight trend. But as always, with a youthful, rebellious spirit like hers comes the pending disappointment that one day she'll dye her hair blonde and surrender to making Christmas music.
SANJAYA MALAKAR AS FRIEDRICH
No idea. This one was determined by popular vote.
Anyway, we're happy for you, Carrie! Just stay the f*ck away from Yentl.