Welcome to our new segment, "Holy F**king Sh*t" – for when entertainment news outlets report something so mind-blowingly significant, so pants-crappingly important, it simply can't be ignored.
I hope you were doing something impressive right before you started reading this, because from this day forward you will remember it forever as "that thing you were doing the day the world changed." Because today is the day, that E! Online reported, that Lauren Conrad announced, that "Pies are the new cupcakes."
JUST HOLD UP ONE G*D-D*MNED SECOND. Are you f**king serious with this, LC??? All this time, we've been living in what we THOUGHT was a peaceful, cupcake-loving society, and all of a sudden you show up, with your burnt umber highlights, and tell us no, you imbeciles. Cupcakes are pies now. Frosting is crust. Up is down. Replace those individual serving cakes, the epitome of American freedom, with a big community pie where everyone gets a slice. Enjoy being owned by China!