Welcome to our new segment, "Holy F**king Sh*t" – for when entertainment news outlets report something so mind-blowingly significant, so pants-crappingly important, it simply can't be ignored.
I hope you were doing something impressive right before you started reading this, because from this day forward you will remember it forever as "that thing you were doing the day the world changed." Because today is the day, that E! Online reported, that Lauren Conrad announced, that "Pies are the new cupcakes."
JUST HOLD UP ONE G*D-D*MNED SECOND. Are you f**king serious with this, LC??? All this time, we've been living in what we THOUGHT was a peaceful, cupcake-loving society, and all of a sudden you show up, with your burnt umber highlights, and tell us no, you imbeciles. Cupcakes are pies now. Frosting is crust. Up is down. Replace those individual serving cakes, the epitome of American freedom, with a big community pie where everyone gets a slice. Enjoy being owned by China!
So, did LC hold a press conference to drop this bomb? Did she bring it to the U.N. floor? Or testify at a hearing for the Senate Sub-Committee on Baked Goods? NO. She just mentioned it off-hand to an E! reporter, all casual-like, at a beauty luncheon at the mother f**king Chateau Marmont. Are you f**king kidding me with that, Lauren? You don't just nonchalantly throw out a total game-changer. Is the world still round, Lauren, or is it a pie, too? Do I even know what pies taste like? Is there still a red velvet? Do they sell pies in the Sprinkles Cupcakes vending machine? Is Lauren Conrad a communist? Does the Chateau Marmont validate parking?
If the Rachel Green of The Hills is to be believed, Marie Callendars is the new Sprinkles. And 11/20 is the new 9/11. Cupcakes are dead. Irony is dead. Enjoy your miserable lives.