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A HOPELESS ROMANTIC’S GUIDE TO A FIRST DATE WITH OCTOMOM

Upon learning that her slew of children didn't qualify as a "creative project," Octomom closed her Kickstarter and conjured up yet another money-making scheme. The mother of fourteen recently joined WhatsYourPrice.com, a typo-ridden web site for wealthy, sweaty-palmed weirdos to bid on a first date with someone they'd never stand a chance at courting otherwise.

Octomom Dating Profile Soup X2

But if you've spent your adult life in your mother's basement practicing your "Party of sixteen, please," in the mirror, you're probably not loaded with ideas of how to impress on the first date with the woman of your dreams. Assuming she wouldn't take the money and run, here are five date ideas sure to leave Octomom begging for more (money).

HOSPITAL TOUR

As you stroll the romantic, brightly lit halls of the maternity ward, you'll be giving Nadya a chance to show off, as she gets high-fived by an entire staff of obstetricians.

Nadya Octomom Suleman, Hospital Staff Business Wire

Then find an empty room and listen to all fourteen of her labor stories as you feign amazement with empathetic comments like, "Wow. That's a lot of mucus plugs."

Nadya Octomom Suleman, hospital bracelets NBC

PEOPLE WATCHING

It can only lead to a compelling romantic dialogue when Nadya asks that you watch the people for her. And then waits for them to start watching her.

People Watching, Soup Getty Images Stock

PAWN SHOP

Build intimacy by comforting Nadya when she pretends to learn that she can't pawn her O-face.

OctoMom Porn Pics X4 Soup

JOB FAIR

Impress Nadya with your knowledge of what jobs are, and how to fill out an application. She'll drool over your authoritative side as you teach Nadya that she'll need two forms of ID, and that her large assortment of c-section scars doesn't count. When she heads for the door, tell her that running away from job fairs technically qualifies as a job, and she'll stay.

Job Fair John Moore/Getty Images

WINDOW-SHOPPING AT AN ORPHANAGE

Nothing will turn you on more than watching Nadya play hard-to-get with a bunch of kids who need homes.

Nadya Octomom Suleman PacificCoastNews.com

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