Every week, we bring you a recap of Keeping Up With the Kardashians that is way, way too detailed. Because let's face it: This show is way too good to do anything but go through it minute by minute.
Here's this week's Running Kommentary (times listed ignoring commercial breaks, because I was making sandwiches):
00:18: Awww, Lamar's shy!
1:20: So Brandon and Leah are shooting a video in their backyard? Won't those crickets be an issue? Also, they sound pretty good for a couple of people playing live in their backyard.
2:29: Things we've learned so far: Young Bruce Jenner was superhandsome, and Brandon and Brody were blond when they were kids.
3:45: Remember in the last season of Kourtney & Kim Take Miami when Khloé was all like "I bet Kim is wearing a white or cream-colored outfit" and then Kim walks in and she's wearing a white and cream-colored outfit? Well, this rabbit hole goes deeper than we thought. Just look at Kim's room:
White explosion. Seriously, I'm amazed I can even read the superimposed text.
3:56: Rob Kardashian on his weight: "It's embarrassing to the family." I dunno Rob, your sisters compared feminine odors last season, I think you're OK.
4:28: "Our lives are way too good to be depressed." Personal issues are a sliding scale of course so really anyone can be depressed, but Rob probably just earned some fans there.
4:33: Reason why Kim Kardashian is a good sister No. 148: She just told Rob not to get a chest tattoo.
6:30: When the girls are feeling bad for Kris, that's how you know it's serious.
8:10: "I'll be in the kitch." Nope, not a typo, Rob actually chose not to finish the word kitchen.
9:05: "Kim's taking these crazy measurements of me, and obviously the numbers don't add up, because she's a f--king moron."—Rob
Though, to be fair, she did just calculate him to be at 50 percent body fat, which is clearly wrong. At 50 percent body fat he'd be some kind of superhero whose mutant power is to be made out of fat. In reality, it would just put him in this red zone:
I don't know what that means but it looks scary.
9:51: Gunnar Peterson sounds like the name of a villain in Avatar
10:41: This guy wins the award for Coolest Bro on the Beach 2013:
13:49: Listen, I know we're supposed to be rooting for Rob to lose weight and get healthy and stuff but real talk: Smoke City is some damn good barbeque, people. If you tried their beef ribs you'd be going there instead of the gym too. No judgements, Rob. No judgements.
13:57: I mean, come on:
Even PETA would tell you that looks delicious.
16:09: Hold everything. The thing that Brody just did with his glasses might be the greatest thing that's ever happened on this show. Observe:
So intently focused on what Kim is saying whilst his shades dangle effortlessly from his ears.
Wait a sec, I wonder if I just...
YES.
18:20: This is the tastiest reverse psychology we've ever heard of:
19:01: Granber alert!
20:28: Black T-shirts are the official uniform of The Handsome.
20:48: Young Brandon and Brody Jenner, presented without comment:
Okay, maybe just one comment: HAHAHAHAHAHA.
22:07: I have already detected the flaw in Kim and Khloé's reverse psychology plan: They got In-N-Out Burger. There's no way you can get sick of In-N-Out, especially when cheese fries are present.
22:30: Kim, why would you get thin crust? Oh no, Rob just said the same thing. Am I a fatty? Oh no.
23:54: "I'm starting up my metabolism." Oh no. That's what I say too. Oh no.
25:30: Can we all just admit that Jake's mustache is the real star of this show:
25:48: Open her up?! Oh, metaphorically. Never mind.
31:35: This picture of Kris Jenner:
No words. Should have sent a poet.
34:58: I think that, coming to the end of this Bruce-Brody story, it's fair for Brody to be upset that he missed out on time with his dad. But Brody, remember that at the end of the day, he gave you magnificent genes. We mean my god man, look at your hair!
Did you miss out on this week's episode? You can catch up tonight at 9 p.m. with a repeat airing and follow along with this Running Kommentary. Be sure to tune in next Sunday at 9 p.m. for another all-new episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians on E!