RETURNS
2017
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Kate Middleton, Pippa Middleton

Chris Jackson, Pool/Getty Images; INFphoto.com

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Dear Kate Middleton of Duchess of Cambridge fame: Please stop wearing stuff.

Or, if you do have to go outside in clothes, show some mercy and go to Forever 21 or H&M or wherever practical British people go to get their fall wardrobes. (Or, OK, Topshop. We didn't know we could get a peplum dress there for under $100.)

Look, we go broke every time you step out, because whatever you're wearing, even those crazy retired auntie grass skirts you had to put on in Tuvalu, we have to run out and buy them. And it just isn't fair.

And Pippa Middleton, seriously, you are just as evil.

We saw the coats you've each chosen for your fall wardrobes, and we have no idea how we're going to sneak out of the house and buy them, but we have to try, because that Reiss number that Catherine's wearing, we need it. We understand it's from last season, but then again, there's this season's Myla, which looks almost the same and is gonna set us back—let's brace ourselves, chaps—$615.

As for Pippa's choice, we may be able to resist her navy coat, just because we've seen so much of that color lately. But the cut? Divine enough to fuel an entire shopping spree. Pippa, you'd best stay inside for the rest of the season for the sake of our bank accounts.

And now, your turn: Whose coat do you need for your fall wardrobe?