Dear Mrs. Hemsworth: G'day down there in Australia!
Hey, if you have a second between your morning surf and your late-morning surf, and your late-late-morning crocodile rassle, we just wanted to say congratulations! You're about to become a mother-in-law! To this girl right here, Miley Cyrus.
We know you're just thrilled with the gal your son Liam Hemsworth has picked to share his life with.
Because when a mother gives birth to a son, the first thing that pops into her head is, "Please, bring unto my baby boy a soulmate who dresses all sexy when she goes shopping in New York."
Please, find my son a wife who wears thigh-high zip-up boots like an extra in a Winger video, a necklace with gold-dipped bobcat teeth and a tee that showcases all her assets. Also, could you throw in some hot pants that MIA made out of reggae posters and Erykah Badu's old hats?
Can't wait for the wedding. We'll meet you at the bar.