I was eating a delicious Salami, Roast Beef, cheddar cheese, mayonnaise and pickle sandwich this weekend and, after every bite I took, some of my delicious sandwich kept falling out the back. I was really mad. Then I thought, "What if I made bread with no hole in the back?" One-hole bread! Chuy Bravo, you are a genius. I can't believe nobody has ever thought of that before.
When I got invited to a Superbowl party I was really confused. I mean, how good could a toilet be? I googled "best toilet" and boy was I surprised. Did you know that some toilets shoot water into your bum-bum? I would only want one of those if it hand a hand drier built in to dry me off. That would be amazing. We could call it the Bravo Fan and I would make millions of dollars and I would never have to put on another adult diaper just to make Ms. Chelsea laugh and then I would be the boss and she would work for me. I wish. Oooops, I'm late. I'm wearing a sombrero today so people can eat chips off of my head. Talk to you later!
It's different when Chelsea's not here. I don't have to wear a diaper, nobody asks me to dress up like cupid and I don't have to ride miniature horses. I feel like I really connect with Ross because when I close my eyes his voice sounds like my tia Manuela. I think from now on, even when Ms. Chelsea is back, I'm going to picture that it's Ross. It's a good thing E! promised me that nobody would be reading my diary or else I could get in big trouble for writing this.
I wish I could tell the future. I have so many questions that I need to know the answer to like, when will I hit my growth sprint and how old will Dolly Parton be when her boobs drop? Those babies are amazing. I went to a psychic but she tried to tell me things by looking at cards. Cards? That is so stupid! Everybody knows if you are going to see into the future you need one of those bowling balls with smoke in it. Don't try to pull the sheep over my eyes. I'm not falling for it.
All week people were telling me that I had to watch the Golden Globes. They said that it was something that I should not miss. So, last night, I sat down ready to see golden globes and all I saw were the same Hollywood assholes I see every day at work. I thought it was an award show about really nice boobs. They really need to rename it. I know I'm not the only one who fell for that trick. I'm starting an online petition as soon as I can figure out how to get to the petition website.
Why does everybody give Lindsay Lohan such a hard time? Sure she's been to jail but so have I and look how good that turned out. I was at Blockbuster this weekend and the only movies on the shelves were with Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid and Keanu Reeves. She must be doing something right to be in such good company. For the record, I rented "Herbie, Fully Loaded" and I have to say I thought both she and Herbie were very natural.
I think malls all need to be made up of those moving sidewalks. How do they expect people to carry their bags, eat Mrs. Fields cookies, try new cologne, drink their Orange Julius and look at girls? It's almost like they don't want you to be there at all. I would ride my scooter but there's an old lady there who always races me. Her scooter is so fast.
When I was growing up, I didn't wear a lot of socks. We went barefoot or wore sandals. Now that I wear shoes everyday, I have to admit, I get why socks are such a big deal. It's like they're giving your feet a hug all day. I might try gloves next week. I just haven't figured out a way to wear them without looking like I want to commit a crime.
Why does everyone get so excited about New Year's Eve? It's always just a bunch of drunk girls in really short dresses getting too drunk to remember what they did the night before. Wait, I take it back. I love New Year's Eve.
I haven't figured out what they do yet. I can't pick things up with them, they don't open anything for me and they are very hard for me to reach. I wish I had two more on each foot because then I think I could really climb a tree. While I'm adding things, I'd like to have three more fingers on each hand also. This blog took me two hours to type. I think if I had six more fingers I could cut that in half. And then, if I learned how to type with my feet and all of those extra toes I might be the best typer ever. I'm going to call Dr. Drew and see if he knows anything about this.
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