Fox Searchlight; The Weinstein CompanyThe challenge: Predict the film winners of Sunday's Golden Globes.
The solution: Fire up the Edith Piaf on Pandora, and start thinking like the Hollywood Foreign Press!
OK, bon amis, here we go:
Best Motion Picture, Drama
The Descendants
The Help
Hugo
The Ides of March
Moneyball
War Horse
The winner: Hugo. For one, it's the real deal. For another thing, it's about the French guy (yay!) who, like, invented movies and stuff. And lastly, it pushes a cause that's near and dear to Martin Scorsese and the Hollywood Foreign Press: film preservation!
Best Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy
50/50
The Artist
Bridesmaids
Midnight in Paris
My Week With Marilyn
The winner: The Artist. Even in a silent film, you can still hear zee French accents (yay!).
Best Actor in a Motion Picture, Drama
George Clooney, The Descendants
Leonardo DiCaprio, J. Edgar
Michael Fassbender, Shame
Ryan Gosling, The Ides of March
Brad Pitt, Moneyball
The winner: Clooney. No, he's not French (or German-Irish like Fassbender), but he's the Oscar front-runner, and that'll work. Credibility's important to the Hollywood Foreign Press, too.
Best Actress in a Motion Picture, Drama
Glenn Close, Albert Nobbs
Viola Davis, The Help
Rooney Mara, The Girl
Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady
Tilda Swinton, We Need to Talk About Kevin
The winner: Streep. She wins Globes, she (mostly) loses Oscars, which could mean she's right on track to get beat by Davis at the Kodak next month.
Best Actor in a Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy
Jean DuJardin, The Artist
Brendon Gleeson, The Guard
Joseph Gordon-Levitt, 50/50
Ryan Gosling, Crazy Stupid Love
Owen Wilson, Midnight in Paris
The winner: DuJardin. Yes, he's French, but he's also the only name here you'll see at the Oscars (unless Gosling manages a nod—for The Ides of March).
Best Actress in a Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy
Jodie Foster, Carnage
Charlize Theron, Young Adult
Kristen Wiig, Bridesmaids
Michelle Williams, My Week With Marilyn
Kate Winslet, Carnage
The winner: Williams. Like her Comedy Actor counterpart, she's the only nominee in her category who'll probably figure into the Academy Awards race (although, yes, Theron and, to a lesser degree, Wiig, have shots). All that said, would it surprise if Winslet took the Globe? It would not.
Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture
Kenneth Branagh, My Week With Marilyn
Albert Brooks, Drive
Jonah Hill, Moneyball
Viggo Mortensen, A Dangerous Method
Christopher Plummer, Beginners
The winner: Plummer. The Globes, like the Oscars, is not going to blow its big chance to honor Capt. Von Trapp.
Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture
Bérénice Bejo, The Artist
Jessica Chastain, The Help
Janet McTeer, Albert Nobbs
Octavia Spencer, The Help
Shailene Woodley, The Descendants
The winner: Bejo, and not because she's French, which she's not (she's Argentinian—also, yay!), but because the guess here is The Artist played better to the Hollywood Foreign Press than The Help, which could well send Spencer to the podium at the Academy Awards.
Best Director
Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris
George Clooney, The Ides of March
Michael Hazanavicius, The Artist
Alexander Payne, The Descendants
Martin Scorsese, Hugo
The winner: Allen. C'mon, guys, he's got Paris right there in the title! No-brainer!
Best Screenplay, Motion Picture
Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris
George Clooney, Grant Heslov and Beau Willimon, The Ides of March
Michael Hazanavicius, The Artist
Alexander Payne, Nat Faxwon and Jim Rash, The Descendants
Steve Derian and Aaron Sorkin, Moneyball
The winner: Hazanavicius. If only to demonstrate that silent movies do, too, have scripts.
Best Foreign Language Film
The Flowers of War, China
In the Land of Blood and Honey, USA
The Kid With the Bike, Belgium
A Separation, Iran
The Skin I Live In, Spain
The winner: The Skin I Live In. Or A Separation. But, to avoid cries of Pia Zadora, however unfair, not Angelina Jolie's credible In the Land of Blood and Honey.
Best Animated Feature Film
The Adventures of Tintin
Arthur Christmas
Cars 2
Puss in Boots
Rango
The winner: Tintin. The Hollywood Foreign Press is the Steven Spielberg film's kinda audience: people who may actually have grown up on (or heard of) the Belgian comic.
Best Original Song, Motion Picture
"Hello, Hello," Elton John and Bernie Taupin; Gnomeo & Juliet
"The Keeper," Chris Cornell; Machine Gun Preacher
"Lay Your Head Down," Brian Byrne and Glenn Close; Albert Nobbs
"The Living Proof," Mary J. Blige, Thomas Newman, Harvey Mason Jr. and Damon Thomas, The Help
"Masterpiece," Madonna, Julie Frost, Jimmy Harry; W.E.
The winner: If you had a dollar for every time Close has knocked heads with the Queen of Hip-Hop Soul, you'd be flat broke, but here's a bet this race is between Blige's "The Living Proof" and Close's quite-touching "Lay Your Head Down"—and that "The Living Proof" will come out ahead in the end.
Best Original Score, Motion Picture
The Artist, Ludovic Bource
W.E., Abel Korzeniowski
The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross
Hugo, Howard Shore
War Horse, John Williams
The winner: The Artist. Whimsical, sentimental—and, zay what?!—not as French as Hugo! Bource's music gets the edge because of that nonsense awards-season reason: its accompanying movie will have the edge at the Oscars.