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Stick to Couch Jumping

Tom Cruise’s gonna need one mighty cocktail when he hears how his peers are pooh-poohing his latest performance…And we ain’t talkin’ about that Scientology vid. Plus, Tony Soprano sneers backstage at the SAGs, and the erstwhile Eyes are all over Lindsay Lohan…that is, when Brody Jenner isn’t. Or is it some other douche now? Damn girl, one guy (and day) at a time!

Cruise Blues?

Before we get to further electronic celeb pie throwing, let’s check in on a dude who’s essentially just one big walking banana-cream recipient these days. Tom Cruise—you may have heard of him, Katie Holmes’ hubby?—has not been making the best movie choices, as of late. See Lions for Lambs? Yeah, neither did anybody else.

Now, I dunno, maybe the boyish job Tommy’s got lined up later, The Hardy Men, with Ben Stiller, will help put T.C. back toward the cinematic top, who the ef knows? What I do have knowledge of is this: Sources who have seen footage from Cruise’s upcoming Nazi era flick, Valkyrie, say that after the movie’s release, Cruise's career “will be over.”

Yikes, sounds awfully damning. Why such a hideous predic? “Because [Cruise] sounds like he’s doing a high school version of ‘Springtime for Hitler,' ” bitched our superconnected insider. “And then, as if that’s not enough, you should see Cruise’s scenes with the other actors.”

What’s wrong there? we inquired. “They can actually act,” responded our most reliable, and supercritical, informer. “Doesn’t make Tom look good. He will not be coming back after this one.” How very dire. I’m actually depressed. Say it ain't so, please. Want Tom so to get his Oscar one day!

Don't Fuhgeddaboudit

More SAG Awards scuttlebutt from backstage last Sunday at the Shrine included Tina Fey making a play for George Clooney (isn’t every woman and man allowed to?) and badass Julie Christie telling it like is—not to mention those Sopranos suckers, who’ll be accepting goodbye awards for their hugely popular show prolly until James Gandolfini has absolutely no hair left.

As mentioned in our red carpet blog Sunday, I created a bit of a stir backstage (no Isaiah Washington again, though, trust) when I asked TV Best Actor winner Gandolfini—who was backstage with the rest of his fellow winners—how he felt about the protesters at the Shrine who’d shown up to shamefully picket and tarnish Heath Ledger’s memory, all because he’d once played gay in Brokeback Mountain. This was a germane query, I felt, since Gandolfini played a pooftah, remember, in The Mexican.

Groans and murmurs of discontent were heard from the cast, until James G said it was “too ridiculous.” Perhaps. Tough call whether to even acknowledge the hate-meisters or blow them off entirely. Head kneecap crusher Tony Sirico approached me privately, saying his buds “didn’t mean to go hard on ya,” but that he found the question “too intelligent” for the general "What are you wearing?" feel of the press room.

Thanks, T, but Heath’s dead—it’s a sitch that sucks. Don’t consider something like that ever to be a question of smarts. It’s one of the heart.

Oh, and that bitchy J. Christie, love her, she’s like the new gravelly voiced tell-it-like-it-is English broad—taking over from Helen Mirren, where she left off at last year's awards-commanding moments. Since J.C. won her Oscar in 1966 for Darling, I asked her how she felt about the overheated climate of celeb reportage (Britney’s crotch, anybody?) that had developed since her heyday.

“It’s completely out of order,” she sassed quite quickly, with her starched white blouse deliciously unbuttoned, before taking a moment to think. “But this is what they choose,” Christie finished, meaning it’s the celebs who go into this insane scene with eyelinered eyes wide open.

Couldn’t agree more.

The Stupid-Ass Eyes Have It

Lindsay Lohan at the epicenter of auto trouble—again. But this time, L2 wasn’t in the damn car, so she can keep her allegedly borrowed pants on (and for heaven’s sakes, take those freakin’ leggings off). Dozens of vehicles stopped traffic smack in the middle of La Cienega in WeHo, causing quite a convoluted commotion. The drivers jumped ship with their cameras to snap Lady Lohan catwalk into a bourgeoisie boutique opening. LiLo shopping? This benchmark in history simply must be recorded! What are the chances of this ever happening again during my lifetime? Speaking of once-in-a-lifetime events swimming with enough sarcasm to suffocate a poodle, Nip/Tuck doctor...

The Eyes Have It

Dylan Walsh practically washed away while working his whole sorta-hubba bod at Equinox gym, sweating right through a blue shirt with a 22 on the back. (What, no love for David “23” Beckham?) Hot TV doc maintaining his abtastic physique? Another Hollywood abnormality, n'est-ce pas? Walshy better keep up his cardio if he wants to impress the ladies and gents to McDreamy proportions. Not impressing anybody with her rude routine was quirky comedian...

The Eyes Have It

Judy Gold in DeeCee, looking quite unpic-perfect while at the Safeway deli counter. J.D. kept saying “never mind” and “whatever” to both the receiving end of her cell phone and the woman behind the counter. Way to rudely multitask! Judy Judy Judy was in our nation’s capital headlining her one-woman show, 25 Questions for a Jewish Mother. Hey Jude, I got a Q for you: Think makin’ people laugh while onstage makes up for you makin’ 'em livid in your downtime? Far less a screamer (in public) was...

The Eyes Have It

Leonardo DiCaprio at the Autry Museum in Griffith Park, attending a lecture and book signing on Native Americans. How studious of this stud! The tall Titanic titan was by himself, shielding his baby-blues with a navy baseball cap and a pair of sunnies. Heaven forbid someone catch a celebrity educating himself.

Bitch o' the Day

Dear Ted:
I just finished Andrew Morton's "unauthorized" biography on Tommy, and although it was, at points, a yawn, I can still imagine Katie Holmes hiding it under the mattress and reading snippets behind Tom’s back.
Sarah
Bellevue, Ohio

Dear Ohioans Unite:
That’s prolly because your fellow Midwestern babe Katie is just so thankful scaredy-cat Morton wimped out and decided to go after Tom’s ex Nicole instead of Mimi Rogers, Katie or, most important, Cruise himself. What a letdown, not to mention joke.

IN THE CLOSET

Oh, please. Angelina Jolie already has every eye turned her now-bosomy-
again way whether she's dressed in a boring black blouse or a burka. You can just imagine the sound of every head turning within a three-mile radius of Ms. Jolie in this fabulous, flowy frock at the SAG Awards. Angie's looked stick thin fer ages—all those small plane-food portions while jet-setting round the world (not to mention other unhealthy habits, such as boning Brad instead of nourishing herself) do nothing for a girl's figure, trust. But these newfound curves look even more luscious on A.J. than her lips do on that Pitt man-candy of hers. Could Angie be preggers or concealing twins underneath this beautiful bedsheet? Is there any doubt? Look at those things! As far as preg rumors go, my bet is she gives birth to a kid from Ethiopia and a Canadian. Or maybe she'll give both up for adoption just so she can adopt them. That's the way Ange-babe rolls, Shiloh notwithstanding. As long as she still makes time to rev it up on the red carpet and partake in PDA with her mush partner—for the two secs together they have left—she can have all the dang kids she wants.

ENDBLAB

"No, why? What did you hear?"

—SAG comedy winner and 30 Rock guru, Tina Fey, when I asked her backstage if she'd been reprimanded from the network powers that be to tone down her zealous writers' strike participation. I replied that I'd heard she'd been told, not graciously, to take it down a notch. Fey denies.