Why does everybody give Lindsay Lohan such a hard time?  Sure she's been to jail but so have I and look how good that turned out.  I was at Blockbuster this weekend and the only movies on the shelves were with Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid and Keanu Reeves.  She must be doing something right to be in such good company.  For the record, I rented "Herbie, Fully Loaded" and I have to say I thought both she and Herbie were very natural.   

I think malls all need to be made up of those moving sidewalks.  How do they expect people to carry their bags, eat  Mrs. Fields cookies, try new cologne, drink their Orange Julius and look at girls?  It's almost like they don't want you to be there at all.  I would ride my scooter but there's an old lady there who always races me.  Her scooter is so fast. 

Why does everyone get so excited about New Year's Eve? It's always just a bunch of drunk girls in really short dresses getting too drunk to remember what they did the night before. Wait, I take it back. I love New Year's Eve.

I haven't figured out what they do yet. I can't pick things up with them, they don't open anything for me and they are very hard for me to reach. I wish I had two more on each foot because then I think I could really climb a tree. While I'm adding things, I'd like to have three more fingers on each hand also. This blog took me two hours to type. I think if I had six more fingers I could cut that in half. And then, if I learned how to type with my feet and all of those extra toes I might be the best typer ever. I'm going to call Dr. Drew and see if he knows anything about this.

I still don't get it. Rain falls from the sky but there's nothing up there holding the water. When I look in the sky, I don't see a giant bucket or any big hoses so where does it come from? A weatherman said the clouds but that doesn't make any sense. They're too fluffy to have a whole bunch of water sitting in them. Plus, if that was true, every time a plane flew through them they would get wet. You can't fool me, Mr. Weatherman. Why can't people just admit when they don't know something? I do it all of the time and look how good my life turned out.

Whenever I walk in flip-flops, they always making that flapping noise and I think someone is following me. I always stop and look behind me but nobody is there and then I remember about those damn flip-flops. I do like to feel the air on my toes. That's nice. Maybe I'll make shoes where you can remove the very front of your shoe when you want air and then you can put it back on when you don't. Chuy Bravo...businessman. Sometimes I even surprise myself with these ideas.

I like holiday parties a lot. Girls wear tight clothes, they get really drunk and then they do things that they would never do at any other time during the year. Except when they go to Vegas. So, Vegas and holiday parties are the best. And Halloween. Halloween is good, too. So, holiday parties, going to Vegas and Halloween are my favorite things. And the beach. And chicken. I love chicken.

How do you decide how much you are supposed to spend on a present? Is it by how much you like the other person or how much they are going to spend on you? I might just give everyone a few jars of my salsa this year. It's personal, it's unique and best of all, it goes with everything. The only other thing I can think of that does all of those things is the life-sized, me-shaped chocolates I gave out last year. People loved those but I heard the Easter Bunny was really mad. I'm sorry Mr. Bunny. You are my favorite out of all the things I've never seen.

Whenever I put Chapstick on it feels so good but how come I have to put it on every 30 seconds? I put it on, I feel better, I take four steps, my lips hurt and I put it on again. I think I have to check the directions to make sure I'm not missing something. Maybe you're supposed to keep your lips in your mouth after you put it on? I think I'll just start using gravy instead. It tastes better and if I don't lick it, it'll never go away. Chuy Bravo, sometimes you are too smart for yourself.

When I wear sunglasses I feel really cool. I can't help it. All the cool guys wear them...that lifeguard guy who gets drunk and eats hamburgers, Tom from MySpace, the cop from the Village People and now me! I need to buy a motorcycle. And a scarf. Boom!