I ate so much food this weekend I'm still full. I ate turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, butter, cake, pies, burritos, quiche, lobster, ravioli with a lobster sauce, hash browns, shrimp tempura, kung pao chicken, cheese sticks, cheese balls, cheese whiz, cheetos, fried twinkies and matzo. Your move Roy Handler. Your move.

The Pilgrims came and gave the Indians blankets and food, right? Then the Indians decided that they didn't like all of the Starbucks that were knocking down their teepees so we built them casinos so they could afford their alcohol...I get all of that, I just don't understand what that has to do with turkey.

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I don't know why J.Lo hasn't called me yet. I'm in the business, I speak Spanish and my ass will make hers look small. Call me, girl.

Rule number one...never piss off Ms. Chelsea. She hits like a man. Rule number two...don't look at the ground when you walk or you will fall over. Rule number three...always, always, always take the elevator because you never know what might be falling down the stairs.

When I was little, my mom used to tell me not to bite my fingernails because the germs on my fingers would get in my mouth. She would say, "You don't know where those germs are from." But that's not true because my fingernails are always with me. I know exactly where the germs come from. It's not like my fingernails go somewhere without me knowing. So stupid.

I think I could get elected president because I would tell people that I like good things and I don't like bad things. Like, I really like hamburgers—they are the perfect combination of meat, bread and ketchup—so I would make sure everyone gets at least one hamburger a week. I know my opponents would call me racist because I'm not thinking about the vegetarians but I've got one word for you...Veggie Burger, bitches! This politics stuff is easy.

When I think of Thursday, I think of a day that isn't Wednesday, which is good because I hate Wednesday. Wednesday is in the middle and I don't like being in the middle of things. The only thing I like that has a middle is an Oreo. Those are so good. Sometimes I eat them instead of dinner. I'm really hungry.

I had my first tuna casserole last night and it wasn't a roll at all. It was just a bunch of stuff thrown together into a pot. Don't get me wrong, I ate it and it was good—really good—but maybe they should call it tuna and cheese and broccoli and macaroni and some other stuff too. I would definitely order that way before I ordered a casserole. Tonight I'm going to make a beef and cheese and noodles and chicken finger and french fries dish. Sometimes I think I'm too smart for myself.

The Earth has over 7 billion people on it now. That's a lot of people. Earth is like a little clown car, and I think it just needs to pull over and let some of the crazy clowns out.

I like wearing shoes. Especially ones that have a soft inside because it feels like my feet are wrapped up in a blanket. I don't like flip-flops at all. Every time I wear them, I think someone is following me but it always just turns out to be that noise they make. Maybe that's why they call them flip-flops because that's what the noise sounds like? They should do that with everything. That way I can stop calling it "thunder" and just call it what it should be called, "Boooooooooom."