Xtina Flattens Her Flatterers--and Who Mounted a Jack Attack?

Breaking Up Is Hard to...Tell: The engagement that never was has been called off and Jennifer Aniston is returning the $500,000 yellow-diamond ring she never got from Vince Vaughn. Or something like that. It's difficult to be certain, because this latest Vaughniston yarn is from Us Weekly, the mag that reported the couple as engaged in June, a story vigorously denied by the couple (who, by the way, never publicly admitted they were a couple). The split, if true, would be sad, we think. Unless it wasn't. Still, we wish that Jen and Vince could create some closure and bring the story full circle with another very public denial of an Us cover story. We'd love to see them on all the chat shows saying they're not not engaged.

--Jack Osbourne in Star, on being a chip off the old Ozzy. What's normal is all relative--literally in this case

Weiser Heads Prevail:  Everyone knows Johnny Knoxville lives for danger. And now, that even applies to his fashion choices. Us Weekly caught the daredevil on the Hollywood red carpet for the Jackass: Number Two premiere, sporting not one but two items of Budweiser clothing. Specifically, a short-sleeve Budweiser print shirt and a non-matching Budweiser print tie. It's a look that's a least as tasteful as a can of Bud--and proof positive that J-Knox has sold out and become a big Hollywood foamy.

--Scarlett Johansson in Us. Just another reason we're looking forward to Scarlett as Esquire's Sexiest Woman in the World next month. The less hidden, the better

Joking the Joker:  When Jack Nicholson visited L.A.'s Cedars-Sinai Medical Center recently to get a salivary gland problem checked out, he got more medical attention than he wanted. The Enquirer reports that Jack was joined in an examining room by two docs in lab coats and surgical masks who said they were there to do his "initial workup." While one of them eyed the actor's chart, the other gloved up and grabbed a tube of lube, telling Jack to bend over for a rectal exam. Nervous Nicholson protested that his ailment was at the other end, which prompted the "doctors" to fall out laughing. Turns out these interns were Jack's Departed costars Matt Damon and Leo DiCaprio. Sounds like it's time for Jack to ring George Clooney and start scheming some prankster payback. Stay tuned.

--Sandra Oh in Star, on what her Korean parents initially thought of her acting career. But there's no truth to the rumor that they wanted her to change her name to Sandra Oh-Oh-Oh!

 

"Drew Postpones Baby for Poker": Look out, Fabrizio Moretti, your gal, Drew Barrymore, has a new love. At least according to Star, which pinpoints Fab's "rival" as video poker. Here's the deal: An anonymous "friend" of the couple told the tattletale rag that "Drew and Fab have talked about having a baby together for months now. But when you ask Fab how it's progressing, he says, 'I don't know when we can find time. I have to drag her kicking and screaming from the computer.' " And when she's not playing online, she's reportedly hosting poker nights at home. Anybody else here think Star is bluffing on this story? We're going to have to call...and raise a couple of issues. First, does a big-time producer and actress like Drew have time to fritter away counting cards and trying to discern the mysteries of drawing an inside straight? More important, we'd bet all of our chips that a woman who wants to get married and have babies will keep her eyes on those prizes rather than coveting an online jackpot.

--Grey's Anatomy star Ellen Pompeo in People. Ditto for us, Ellen. In fact, we think money's downright McDreamy

Karaoke Kibosh: If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then Karaoke counts as some kind of appreciation, right? But don't tell that to Christina Aguilera. In Touch reports that at Guy's Bar in L.A., Ms. Ag muzzled a fan who wanted to perform her "Save Me from Myself." A clubgoer heard Xtina telling the club's manager "she didn't want to have to listen to her songs being sung by anyone but her." Sounds like a good start to us. Now if we could just get her to stop singing 'em, too, we'd all be set.

--Steve Carell in Star, responding to his parents' complaints that he never plays nice guys. Or maybe he could just give 'em some cash and they could rent Tony Danza as a surrogate son. He always plays nice guys--and he's always available

Stylin' or Stallin'? How's this for a pickup line? Globe says that rapper 50 Cent offered Julia Stiles a "souped-up, blinged-out pickup truck" as an enticement to appear on a TV show he's producing. But greeb-gal Julia reportedly said she'd prefer a hybrid. Mr. Two Quarters wasn't hearing any of that, however. He promptly hung up and never called back. Maybe he's trying to figure out if there's such a thing as enviro-bling.

--Marcia Cross in Us. The Desperate Housewife finally made it big--and all it took was impending motherhood

As Bad As It Gets: This is TMI that's also WTF. Bad boy Jack Nicholson shares too much in the Globe, saying, "As you get older, you favor the inverted missionary position." That's not only too much information, it's also curiously not enough. Inverted, how exactly? No, on second thought, don't tell us.