What summer movies are facing the "best" odds for absolutely tanking at the box office? I'm a little worried for Men in Black 3.
—Scott, Tucson, via the inbox
Fret not, son, because I've crunched the numbers for every big-budget schlockfest coming this summer, and of all the celebrities involved, from Ri-Ri to Johnny, Cruise to Charlize, Will Smith and Josh Brolin are not the least likely to succeed.
How do I know?
I called someone. Always helps to call someone. In this case the person is a box office analyst, because this is what they do.
This B!tch does not have high expectations for, say, a certain Cameron Diaz pregnancy giggler, or Sparkle, which, despite the final film appearance by Whitney Houston, looks to be Glitter of 2012.
But the movie most likely to face problems? None of the above, says Jeff Bock of Exhibitor Relations.
"Total Recall will have the toughest time making back its budget," Bock tells this B!tch. "It reportedly cost upwards of $200 million and opens head-to-head against The Bourne Legacy, which is widely expected to be a hit, even without Matt Damon.
"Besides, everyone in Hollywood knows," he says, that Colin Farrell doesn't exactly light up the box office when he headlines a film.
That's right: Even Battleship, the movie based on a game and which stars Rihanna, is expected to fare better dollar for investment dollar, Bock says.
As for Dark Shadows, whose trailer has already sparked decidedly mixed reactions, fret not for Johnny Depp.
"Dark Shadows and Rock of Ages [with Tom Cruise], while tough sells, have huge names attached and should do relatively well," he says.
Maybe Colin Farrell needs to do another vampire movie.