tool academy (11 posts)

In Tool Academy's version of the parent/teacher conference, those who must take the blame for raising the offensive, rude, dishonest, hate-filled young men featured on the show arrive to see how their horrid spawn are progressing.

While it may be astonishing that any parents will actually show up for this charade in therapy, happily, Etch-a-Sketch-bearded Tool Angelo's mystified Greek ma and pa not only show up, but miraculously express the exact same opinion we've had of this program for three seasons. 

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Cheer up, Toolish Angelo, it could be worse. You could be one of the Top 9 Reality Stars We're So Sick Of.

There's little to admire about ousted Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich other than his remarkable Starfleet officer Chekov-like hairdo, and now the slimeball pol has been reduced to vying for a gopher position on Celebrity Apprentice.

And—surprise!—he's screwing that up, too.

Speaking of screwed up, Tool Academy has broken new ground in inter-gender realtionships, offering a lesbian couple attempting to straighten out their love. Which proves that homosexuals can be just as toolishly pathetic as good ol' fashioned heteros.

Hey, does anyone want a longer penis? Courtesy of Extenze, legendary football coach Jimmy Johnson apparently added that crucial yardage to his johnson, but why not let Joel McHale explain the long and short of it?

And he'll fill you in on lots more tonight at 10 p.m. ET/PT on your satisfying new Soup. Remember, it's not the size, but how much you can laugh at it.

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Size it up for yourself in the Soup blog video gallery.

If you think the macho chaps of Tool Academy play rough, check out the art of war employed by their respective ladies!

In a group therapy session touching on talk vs. action, the shocking case of Dana and Christie comes to light. The friction began with a full-contact, chest-to-chest standoff as the codependent sweeties got their bitch on, culminating in a multi-girl gang attack on Christie.

But wait—Christie started it! With name calling.

She did pick a pretty good name.

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Catch a dose of even more thrills at the Soup blog video gallery!

Last season's The Bachelor may, like Abraham Lincoln, now belong to the ages, but that won't stop us from catching up on the postshow antics of reality lovebirds Jake and Vienna. Aren't we lucky?

Watch them splash water on each other! Watch them eat spaghetti! Watch yourself throw up after watching this! Yet somehow, Joel makes it all fun.

Wendy Williams needs no help in that department. When she trots out her personal fright wigs and wears two at once, her sea serpent look keeps the chuckles flowin'.

And speaking of laughter, nonstop Tool Academy crybaby Angelo has the waterworks on full again. And it's a riot!

There's more where this came from, kids, so check out your new Soup tonight at 10 p.m. ET/PT. Can't get high if ya just walk by!

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Can't wait till then for a fix o' fun? You can always score something in the Soup blog video gallery.

Laying low this past week? Here's what you missed:

• How does an American Idol hopeful stay in shape? A few quick reps of Seacrest curls.

• Bachelor Jake's heart isn't the only organ that reacted to the charms of Vienna.

• If you fantasize about Joel McHale playing pool naked, you can stop. And watch this.

• If you fanatasize about Kelly Ripa talking about nipple tape, you can stop that, too. And watch this.

• Are the enticements of a TV set and multiple trash cans enough to woo a man away from his woman? On Tool Academy, the answer is yes.

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The pain of getting de-tooled on Tool Academy can be difficult indeed.

When the couples are asked to draw pictures of one another to be analyzed in a group therapy session (that includes you, sadly), redneck bad boy Daniel—and his unique, mental patient haircut that refuses to obey even lard, apparently—reveals a haunting decision from his past.

Hmmm…on one hand, he had a cute, loving woman who is the mother of his child. On the other, a filthy room in his god-mom's house complete with trash cans (yes, that's plural) and TV.

Which way do ya think he went?

Miss some or all of the past week? Let's us bring you up to speed:

• Kelly Ripa has a way with clay. And it's a good way.

• Bachelor hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

• Can a cheating man be complete without a good woman to cheat on? Tool Academy has the answer. Get out your hankies.

• It doesn't take a gemologist to decipher what kind of pearl necklace Seducing Cindy has in mind.

• There are some things male octogenarians shouldn't do. If they value their junk.

As much as Tool Academy is sure-fire chuckle bait, every now and again the stories of men and women attempting to come to grips with dishonesty, infidelity and pain reach authentic levels of Jerry Maguire emotion that are undeniable.

This, however is not one of them.

Unless chuckle bait is an emotion.

The week that was, as only the Soup blog can present it:

• First, The Bachelor's Ali chose her job over true fake love with bland dreamboat Jake. Now, she's confused. So are we…apparently her job is still being on TV.

• Oprah and Carson Kressley use their superpowers to transform a sleazy MILF into a classy, respectable MILF.

• If you think Reno 911 is funny, check out Las Vegas Jailhouse. There's all the laughs of Reno, plus it's real.

• Is being Jewish a hindrance to getting laid? One Judeo-horndog claims it's so on Tool Academy. Oye!

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MILF makeovers to celebrity couch-jumpers, Oprah's always making memorable moments.

No one can argue that our nation is in a period of troubled times.

Chronic unemployment, a severly wounded economy, widespread home foreclosures, war on two fronts.

But, thanks to Tool Academy, at last there may be a ray of hope at the end of the dark tunnel. Tool Tommy has a simple, cohesive plan to lift your spirits, America, and spread a message of joy to the world, no less.

By, like, partying.