Tiger Woods Is a Monk! (No, Really...)

In the swingin' scheme of things, golf star's list of conquests isn't all that impressive—the man's no Fidel Castro (as far we we know)

Sure, to mere mortals, Tiger Woods' point total looks high: a dozen or so alleged transgressions; one "big appetite for women."

But is it really? Is it really high?

Let's put it this way, Woods is no Umberto Billo.

According to a 2006 Maxim tally, Billo, ID'd by the magazine as a former hotel porter, is the male species' No. 1 "Living Legend of Sex" with 8,000 hopefully well-served guests. Charlie Sheen placed a distant second with 5,000 hopefully well-satisfied fans.

If, per the current going rate, one woman a day declared herself a Tiger Woods woman, then by next December, the golfer's scorecard would read about 365. Not near enough to get him into the Maxim Top 10.

Much less the Fidel Castro Sky-High Club.

See, two years after the Maxim list was published, journalist Ian Halperin reported that Castro, ID'd by history books as the former leader of Cuba, claimed to have had sex with 35,000 women.

"It's probably past 50,000 now," an in-the-know Castro confidant told Halperin.

Either number tops the late hoops great Wilt Chamberlain's 20,000, shows Umberto Billo who's packing the bigger suitcase and, oh yes, confers unofficial monk status to Tiger Woods.

Now, given Woods' alleged fondness for a certain VIP escort service, it's safe to guess the sports star's number is far higher than what's been publicly noted. But if it were greater by 100 women, or 500, or even 900, Woods still wouldn't have come close to making Maxim's team.

Unless our math is off, Woods is a mid-career gamer among hall of famers, his career stats not yet able to approach that of a Billo, a Sheen and certainly not a Chamberlain or a Castro. At nearly 34, at least a decade younger than any of the other referenced gentlemen, Woods is simply too young, and, until about a couple of weeks ago, simply too busy. Why, did you know it takes several hours to play a round of golf? Did you know every hour spent on the links is an hour that can't be spent enjoying the perks of a VIP escort service? (On a semi-related subject, did you ever wonder why baseball is forever looking for ways to shorten games?)

Castro got to be Castro the old-fashioned way: He was a dictator. When he was in the mood, he was good to go. And he was in the mood a lot: reportedly two (if not three) women a day, every day, for four decades.

Had Woods aspired to, and maintained a two-a-day pace from the day he turned pro at not-quite 21, he'd be at about 9,500 women now. If he took some months off here and there to see how the other 99 percent lives, he'd probably be back to chasing Billo, and, as always, trailing Castro.

You could charge there's no way Woods could live the Castro life and still have the focus to win 14 major golf championships, but you would have a stronger case arguing Woods' mistress count tops out at 10.

Castro lived the grade-A Castro life for about 50 years, and he had the focus to run an entire country while simultaneously dousing exploding cigars. Never underestimate what a man, and especially a healthy, wealthy athlete with a far-flung travel schedule, can accomplish when he sets his mind and—how should we say?—his helper to the task. (Castro, not coincidentally, was himself something of a jock back in college.)

In the end, if Woods' number is 10 or a Magic Johnson-esque 1,000, the guy's closer to zero than Castro.

And no, maybe that doesn't make him a monk officially. And no, maybe that doesn't make you respect him anymore really. But maybe it puts Woods in context.

Tiger Woods didn't invent sex. He didn't invent infidelity. He didn't do anything, so to speak, that other elites haven't done, so to speak. He just so happened to become a legend in getting caught.