Dear Ted:
You said Strawberry Snort 'Em will be wilder than ever this year so I have to ask: Is it because our party girl knows no other way to put the spotlight back on herself after it's grown quite dim the past few years? Without any obvious talent—other than complete dim-wittery and self-promotion—what's a girl to do? And how has Strawberry managed to keep a relatively closed lid on her out of control partying? Why hasn't anyone (Morgan Mayhem perhaps) called her out on her lies in the press?
—Love, Strawberry's So Not Hot
Dear Snort Ya Later:
Strawberry has had plenty of success the past few years. Which is the main reason she keeps her naughty party habits under wraps…It would totally turn off middle American and (maybe more importantly) some of the peeps in her life. As for Morgs? How is she supposed to narc on Straw without admitting her own penitence for the powder, which she's still inhaling?
Dear Ted:
I was just thinking about Tiger Woods and how boring the holidays have been since his wife allegedly chased him down with the golf club. Which led me to wonder does Tiger have a Vice? I mean the guy can't be completely clean after all those women came out.
—LNS
Dear One Year Anniversary:
You're right, doll, this winter break was relatively free of mistresses and mayhem. Guess Katy Perry and her hubby Russell Brand splitting was the not-so-scandalous (and hardly surprising) "scandal" to cap off 2011. As for Tiger, surprisingly he doesn't have a moniker—and no secrets that I know of beyond, well, a few kinky things that really wouldn't shock anybody at this point in time.
Dear Ted:
Is King Schlong letting his latest girlfriend get in the way of his Vicey behavior? Also, does he make it clear to his public girlfriends that he is sharing his affections, or does he keep it all a big secret?
—Lola
Dear Schlong-a-Long:
What girlfriend, Lo? ‘Cause King is so not in a serious relaysh right not. But as for the babes he does link up with, most are willing to turn a blind eye to Schlong's wandering ways as long as they're the only babe photographed at his side.
Dear Ted:
We haven't heard you dish much on Jackie Bouffant lately. Got any juicy gossip?
—Laine
Dear Gone but Not Forgotten:
To tell you the truth, Laine, I'm as distraught as you that Mr. Bouffant has all but disappeared from the Vice radar lately. Can't even explain why… I'll tell you this though: Team Truth is launching a full-scale BV investigation to make sure Jackie is still keeping up on his sexy bedroom sessions. Sound good?
Dear Ted:
Dakota Fanning on the cover of Cosmo! This is highly disturbing. Didn't you say you thought Kristen Stewart was too young to be on the cover, what are your thoughts on this? Does she have a Blind Vice? I find it creepy as she is only 17!
—BL
Dear Cosmo Crisis:
It is a bit odd to see Dakota's adorable mug alongside a headline boasting "The Best Sex He Ever Had," but D is nearly legal. And certainly has had to grow up faster than most being in this Biz. Can we just be happy she looks gorgeous? As for the Vices, no official moniker. But that doesn't mean little Ms. Fanning doesn't deserve one in the future.
Dear Ted:
Happy New Year 2012! Many good things to come this year for you and everyone on the team! I've been thinking about Dashed Dingle-Dream and Judas Jack-Off: Which one has a better body and muscles? And which is more happy with their current status in the world of show business and personally?
—Betsy
Dear Dingle Berry:
Hmm, good question. I'm in a particularly good mood so I'll be nice to both my boys: Dashed has the better bod but Judas has the better career. Win-win, right?