Bitch-Back! What’s Going on With Rihanna and Chris?

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Dear Ted:
As someone who works with domestic violence victims every day, I see situations just like the one with Rihanna and Chris Brown (text messaging leading to beat down with a dash of strangulation thrown in). While I hope it is true that she has taken "a break" from him, it would have been unusual if she hadn't gone back to him. This is a difficult cycle to break. What I don't understand is why no one is seeing this supposed sex tape for what it is: an attempt by Chris Brown and his minions to intimidate her from testifying against him. It's awfully convenient that it surfaced just after she left him to take "a break." Am I the only one who finds this suspicious?
—Megan

Dear Sexmailed:
Honestly, Megan, there was never a real break between them, just crisis mode over at Rihanna's PR camp. Unfortunately, when you're in that kind of vicious cycle (as I'm sure you know), she's not going to be able to just up and leave him. I hope they both get the help they need...separately.

Dear Ted:
I was just reading Lindsay Lohan's recent claim: "I don't drink, I don't do drugs and I don't lie." Am I correct in thinking she's either (a) lying, (b) in serious denial about her life or (c) all of the above? I think it's sad. I wonder what kind of wake-up call it would take for her to pause and examine her life. Any thoughts?
—Emily

Dear Shine Me On:
Obviously, darling.

Dear Ted:
Why can you not get an effing life and stay out of other people's business?
—Fake

Dear Time Out:
If you're on this site writing me about it, you clearly must not mind that much. 

Dear Ted:
Do you ever feel used by a celeb, or is that normal when reporting gossip?
—Dnnro

Dear Abused:
I don't think used is the right word.

Dear Ted:
What do you really think about LeAnn Rimes' "affair"? Do you think it's real? If it's real, how can her husband be so accepting of it all? Or is this how the big boys play in regard to pushing a career in film? That in itself is pretty scary. You are happily married, so I assume you are faithful. LeAnn has not be married that long. What do you think?
—Grasshopper

Dear Yawn-Worthy:
I think that even with her "affair" she bores me even more than Timberbiel. Yes, I'm faithful. And I think that score has zilch to do with being a public figure. 

Dear Ted:
Not so much a question but a comment: I find it rather silly that the public is expecting constant maturity, wisdom and perfect behavior from people barely into or out of their teens. In the real world, adolescence is a time to make mistakes and find yourself. It seems that this isn't allowed to people in the public eye. Yes, they have chosen a public life, but I wish people would stop harping on (among others) Kristen Stewart and Michael Phelps for behavior or comments that display an age-appropriate immaturity. As many of us have done as we travel through the decades, I'm sure these kids will look back and groan at some of the things they said or did. Unfortunately for them, their mistakes are all in print and are rehashed at every opportunity. Long time reader, Ted (I read you in Premiere).
—Keep Up the Good Work

Dear You Only Live Once:
I couldn't agree more. Anyone who hasn't effed up before clearly isn't that interesting.

Dear Ted:
Normally you are spot-on, but I would not have printed, "She was wobbly and a bit out of it before she fell, a source at Mont Tremblant, the luxury resort where Natasha and her sons were staying, exclusively tells me." It smacks to me of people trying to set up to cover their own asses and avoid a lawsuit....don't give them any more media leverage.

Dear Legal Lady:
Perhaps. But they were on the scene and reporting to me long before anything became apparently—or potentially—litigious. This was in the first hours when we were all trying to wrap our heads around the tragedy.

Dear Ted:
"Why is Sally Slutty turning red? This crimson-crowned actress, who's carpet doesn't match her drapes, has gotten so used to being out of the spotlight that she got sloppy during her recent theatrics with a fellow actor and now may find herself back in the spotlight but for all the wrong reasons. You see, Ms. Slutty's ability to get away with cheating on her partners was out of this world until last year, and now that she's heard about the piles of evidence out there, she's starting to worry..." Ted, you're Blind Vices are hysterical. Lots of sites do them, but yours are the only ones with any good humor in them and I had to take a stab at one—any guesses?
—Dogonorina

Dear Play Time:
Love this! Ho bag Sienna Miller maybe? 

Dear Ted:
Here in Alaska, the land of volcanic eruptions, I'm curious as to what you think of IUC's report on the Brangelina breakup. If even a small fraction of what folks are saying on that site is true, I can only pray those poor kids are being properly cared for.
—Hanlondehner

Dear Soon Before Long:
I'm not sure if I'm buying the specifics here, but the split is inevitable. I just think it'll be the other way around.

Dear Ted:
Just wondering if Nevis Divine and Crotch Uh-Lastic have been in a film together? If yes, has it been in a film released in the past two years?
—BMB

Dear Movie Muff:
Not that I'm aware of, but if they had, Crotch would have had to have held back his excitement I'm sure. 

Dear Ted:
OK, so all this talk about Guy Ritchie dating Elle and now Spice? Who's the real deal? Also, was Guy Ritchie really the jerk he's been made out to be? We know Madge is one tough cookie, but are both of them jerks?
—Musex9

Dear P Whipped:
Don't you have to have some sort of deficiency to be married to M and actually last that long?