Bitch-Back! Does George Have Aniston Syndrome?

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Dear Ted:
As a guy, please explain to me what is it with George Clooney and the waitresses? Do they work as a fetish for him? In that case, he's not pervy enough 'cause there are kinkier fetishes. But seriously, even if you don't know, just give me your male opinion 'cause for the life of me I cannot understand how Clooney who could have pretty much anyone he wanted, keeps dating skunks and moving on with them and stuff! Thanks, darling!
—Beth

Dear It Is How It Is:
He likes them young, hot, fresh and dumb. For a guy who will never seriously settle down, those types of girls are perfect. He's the male Jennifer Aniston, picking out mates that will never lead to anything heavy.

Dear Ted:
I have to comment about this Adam Lambert semi-bashing you've been doing lately. Although I can understand your frustration, let's put things into perspective. Idol just ended less than a month ago and Adam has already been seen out and about with his partner and has admitted he'll answer all of our questions in Rolling Stone. That doesn't seem at all like someone who is in the closet or hiding his sexuality. It tells me he's looking for the right opportunity to tell us what we wanna know. As far as I'm concerned, he's eons away from closet cases like Toothy Tile, who have gone so shamefully far as to employ a beard with children and parade around just to get papped and prove he's straight. Who is the true coward, Ted? Go a bit easier on Adam. He'll let his freak flag fly soon enough.
—Janele in Alexandria, Va.

Dear Janele:
All great points. I just think he'd have won the competition if he'd been this open before the show's finale, not after.

Dear Ted:
I'm just gonna go ahead and ask: Isn't anyone just a little worried that if Robsten tanks sooner rather than later (as all young love seems to), it will ruin the next two movies? I mean, we don't need a Lucy-Desi sitch by the time the plot gets really hot in Breaking Dawn, right?
—Mrs. Brenner

Dear Ya Think:
Now you are thinking like a studio exec, my friend.

Dear Ted:
I wish Britney Spears would get better guardians for her. It feels like she just gets used for her name and money alone. I wonder if she has real friends who just care for her without strings attached.
—Dnnro

Dear Boo Hoo Brit:
I wish B would get better guardians and friends, too. But she needs to step up and realize it. She's a big girl.

Dear Ted:
Actually, for the question, "Why is Twilight so popular?" it's because people (women especially) think that Edward would be the perfect husband. He never eats. He would protect you. And he is always polite. And Robert Pattinson is sexy!
—Tori

Dear Funny Gal:
But what about the whole "can't really have sex" part? Oh yeah, I guess that is most marriages! (Uh, no, not mine.)

Dear Ted:
I was wondering: If you weren't the respectful married man you are, which one of your closeted Blind Vices would you prefer to get down and dirty with? Personally, if Dashed Dingle-Dream really is who I think he is (amazing eyes and lips, sexy voice 'n' smile, supercool TV show?), I'd die for that guy. But what can a girl do, huh? One thing's for sure: helluva sexy couple, DDD and Judas Jack-Off. So tell me, Teddy Bear, who would you choose?
—BrGirl

Dear Hypothetical Ho:
Neither. I don't go for closet cases, not for a long time.

Dear Ted:
All you talk about is Twilight, Robsten, Robert Pattinson. Come on, tell us more about Nevis Devine. I miss him!
—Cibele

Dear Bringing Back Bi:
I'm sure you don't miss him as much as you think you do.

Dear Ted:
Has Robert Pattinson ever been a victim of your Blind Vice?
—Am

Dearing Damning Det:
Not sure I like your usage of the term "victim." It's a damn honor to be a Blind Vicer!

Dear Ted:
Don't buy Sophia Bush's "wholesome" image. She's seems to love the pap attention. Now she's fame-whoring by going to the Laker games and brushing up with Leo D. and company. Please call her out, Ted. What's her deal?
—DV

Dear Bush Whacked:
I'm sorta right there with ya babe. She's no girl next door, let's put it that way.

Dear Ted:
Megan Fox and Robert Pattinson? Ted, out of respect for Kristen Stewart, can you please straighten this out? Also, you know how the meanies love to call Rob a man-whore at any opportunity. Hasn't Robsten been through enough? I thought you were going to help them without putting potholes in the road.
—JD

Dear Road Bump:
What, you think Rob and Kristen don't have pasts?

Dear Ted:
I love your site. Can you please tell me if Rob is bisexual?
—NGuyenkim

Dear Rob Lover:
Would that change how you feel about him?

Dear Ted:
I feel like a total loser for even writing about this, I'm 37-years-old! Kellan Lutz and Peter Facinelli have both said there is nothing going on with Robsten. Has the Robsten machine told all the costars to keep quiet? Are they trying to keep speculation alive? Or are Peter and Kellan living under a rock? If K.Stew and R.Pattz are seen together before August, that will seal the deal for me for sure. God, I'm pathetic.
—MLKemppainen

Dear Not So Pathetic:
The cast is told to keep mum about anything that happens between the stars 'cause there are more castmates knocking vampy boots than just Robsten—and they aren't blabbed about everywhere, either.

Dear Ted:
Here it is, the biggest question. Answer truthfully please. Nikki Reed is getting chunky—are we to expect something come late summer or early fall? Do tell. If so, how much trouble will this cause Robsten? Michael Angarano?
—Jennifer

Dear Eye Check:
N.R. looks nothing close to preggers to me. I think that's one conspiracy theory so not right.

Dear Ted:
Now that the last three episodes of Pushing Daisies are being aired, I was just wondering if Lee Pace has ever been a B.V.?
—Orangmango

Dear Pushing Pace:
Not even close.

Dear Ted:
First, let me say that I love you and your Truth, Lies & Ted segment. I am also a huge fan of your Blind Vice articles, and I am hoping you will give us another hint at who Terry Tush-Trade is. My guess is that TTT is Nikki Reed and the significant other is Sage Dill, who she is always photographed with. Can you please give us loyal readers another hint or two?
—Keishana

Dear Scary Close:
Not Nik, sorry! (Good guess, though)

Dear Ted:
I've loved Adam Lambert since I first heard him sing. Now, after reading your perceptive, funny, witty, informative articles, I love you, too! Thanks for keeping the masses entertained.
—Bamboo

Dear Fambert:
Thanks, just hope Adam can overcome the Idol curse and stick around.

Dear Ted:
Have you ever assigned more than one Blind Vice moniker to the same person?
—Some Girl 

Dear Great Question:
No.