Bitch-Back! Is Adam Courageous or Cowardly?

Kitson

Dear Ted:
Love your column, but I'm really disappointed in your attitude toward Adam Lambert. Not proud? His own mother has said she had to sign a contract with Idol saying she wouldn't discuss his sexuality. Don't you think Adam had to sign one, too? He's done everything he can to be true to himself but say the words—so much more than any other gay Idol contestant. And he's not proud? Just because he's obeying a legally binding contract until the very moment he doesn't have to any more? Very harsh, Ted—and a bit surprising coming from you. Still got lots of love for you, though!
—Petcleric

Dear 'Tude Check:
I don't think Idol has inked specifically when he's allowed to come out. If they have, shame on them. And shame on Adam for signing it. And I'm not pressuring the guy, just sayin' I don't think he's waving the homo flag loud and proud right now, that's all.

Dear Ted:
So Robsten's definitely out...Cred goes to you for getting the scoop first (you are so much better than stupid x17!) My question is, do you really think Robsten has staying power? Will they live happily ever after, or do you think the stress of Summit will just cause them to fizzle out that much faster?
—Kris

Dear Good Question:
I think very few people want to plan their future together at 19 and 23. I think Robsten should go with the natural flow, and it could carry them for a while. And that's exactly what they're doing. Yummay!

Dear Ted:
Brangelina officially breaks up, Toothy Tile comes out of the closet and Robsten decides to make the relationship public in the same day or news cycle. Which grabs the headlines first and for the longest? Which would you cover first? In regard to Robsten, it disappoints me. I wanted Rob to hook up with someone like Emma Watson, so they could be this über-cool British couple that just kicks ass.
—Alexandra

Dear Tabloid Tsunami:
Brangelina takes the rag cake, for sure. Because you know some crazy crap is going down there. Toothy would nab People or something like that. And as for Robsten...Emma has no sex appeal, so that doesn't work. 

Dear Ted:
I would just faint with joy if you showed up to my Gallery of the Absurd show at the WOW Gallery this Friday, June 5. Reading your column was the reason I started the blog, so meeting you would make my day. Soon, I plan on illustrating one your Blind Vice posts.
—14 Gallery of the Absurd

Dear Blogfan:
Outta town this weekend, but good luck with the show, babe. And lemme see those Blind Vice pieces!

Dear Ted:
Is Kate Hudson really that desperate to be chasing after A-Rod? What about her son? Where is he when she's doing all this running around?
—Cheryls

Dear Mommie Sheerest:
Why's the girl always desperate? A-Rod is just as much of a partner-needin' slut as she is. Sexist! Kate isn't desperate 'cause someone's always satisfying her.

Dear Ted:
I've already heard new rumors that Rob and Camilla Belle have been seeing each other in secret for months. Are these some of the false rumors you said we'd hear or is it true?
—R&Kfan

Dear False:
Ms. Belle has been seeing everyone from Joe Jonas to Spanish tennis player Fernando Verdasco. This girl couldn't be dating Rob even if she wanted to. Which, of course, she does.

Dear Ted:
Do you write all your pieces when sitting on the porcelain Honda or do they just seem to always stink naturally? Have yet to come across anyone with your inbred sense of wrong so naturally. Is it a gift or did you have to practice to achieve this low brow crap?
—Agg

Dear Testy:
Lowbrow is one word.

Dear Ted:
I recently discovered your column and I love it. Please don't let people discourage you from running the gay Blind Vices—some of us are always hoping for those! As a bi person myself, it means a lot to me that some of the people who've helped shape our cultural imagination, like George Takei and La Lohan, are actually on the team. I just wish I knew who more of them were, and hopefully, someday people will be able to be more open. I was sure Vin Diesel was Saucy Bossy—until you ruled him out. How about Jensen Ackles, has he ever been a Blind Vice (of any type)?
—Nora

Dear Fishing for Homos:
Thanks! Flattery will obviously get you everything you want: Yes to the last query.

Dear Ted:
Do you think Robsten will last through the summer? A lot of people are having their doubts about it, and it is a long time for them to be separated. What are your thoughts? Is this more than just an on-the-set hookup between them at this point?
—Lynn

Dear Long-Distance Relationship:
That all remains to be seen, now doesn't it. But I have faith knowing their relaysh.

Dear Ted:
Perhaps you've already said, but is Judas Jack-Off Ryan Reynolds?
—Carrie

Dear Guys for Ry:
Nope, R.R. is on the straight and narrow.

Dear Ted:
Is Dommy Do Right Chelsea Handler?
—MGS

Dear Hell No:
Uh, no. And just what about our gal Chels makes you think she is appropriate to begin with?

Dear Ted:
Which exes would you like to see back together? I always got the feeling you liked Kate and Orlando.
—T-na

Dear Case of the Ex:
Hardly! Since you ask, I think Lenny Kravitz is absolutely cool and would have loved to have seen Nicole Kidman marry him instead of Keith Urban—as she was considering. Think Nic would be a more relaxed, more real person now if she had. 

Dear Ted:
I give Rob Pattinson the credit for not coming out about Robsten because he probably does not want to be that guy the girl dates after a four-year relationship. I guess time will tell how serious they are, or if there is any quick L.A. visit from Ron. I can totally see him doing that. Keep us updated on those visits, Ted!
—Sh

Dear Smarty-Pants:
Or have Kristen seen as a chick who bounces from guy to guy. Both of those reps could be damaging, and suits know that.

Dear Ted:
You are a real idiot, you are so lame and lost.
—Madidar1

Dear Dumbo:
Then why are you wasting you're time telling me so?

Dear Ted:
I have just caught up on all my Weeds and am ready to start the new season on Monday. Problem is, I am now infatuated with the beyond lovable Hunter Parrish. I have found very little info on his private life and just wonder if he is as goody-goody as he seems be?
—Like It for Now

Dear Catholic Boy:
Yes, he is.

Dear Ted:
Not that you need any cooing from moi, but I have never written a fan letter, and I think you deserve the first. Your irreverence is beautiful. You are evil and delicious all at once. You are my daily dessert! Thanks, Ted, for throwing in the zingers for the LBGT community, too. Drooling for the next dish.
—Laurel L.

Dear Doll:
Much thanks, L! Stunning: somebody whose mouth is dripping for something other than Robsten juice. Too funny.