Bitch-Back! Who the Hell Is Nevis Divine?

Dear Ted:
So handsome, so sexy, so stinky (now that you've started smoking again). You've noted Bradley Cooper, Justin Bartha, Orlando Bloom and Shia LaBeouf as the divine one. Coincidentally, all four of these strapping young men are in the movie New York, I Love You... Can you just go ahead and confirm at this point that Nevis is not in this movie, even if he has been romantically linked with someone in this movie?
—Imqaatdbru 

Dear Nevis, I Love You:
Where would the fun be in that be, honey? But I'll give you something else, instead: The real Nevis Divine sometimes has to use makeup on his bod parts to appear even more real. Get it?

Dear Ted:
Re: Perez Hilton stealing A.T. content. Writing a blurb about this just generates more publicity (and ad dollars) to him, silly. I'd like to see an itemized list of all that he's lifted from you and an estimate of revenue you think he owes you. Or you can promise not to smoke any cigarettes just for today. Then repeat again, tomorrow. I'm not picky.
—Nimue 

Dear Pathetic Perez:
With everything that he's stolen from me, and others, it's too hard to count, but I'm sure the cut of the check is pretty hefty. 

Dear Ted:
While I appreciate your interns' desire to get dating tips, being single myself, I question their choice of informants. Celebrities, really? For relationship advice? I'm sure there are a few celebrities in good, healthy relationships, but the majority seems to be in flings or convenient arrangements rather than relationships. If you want good relationship advice, ask people who have been in a good, long relationship; tell your interns to go interview their grandmothers or some of the older actresses in the Biz, like Joanne Woodward. Anyone who was married to Paul Newman for 50 years probably has some good, sound advice. And please, stop smoking, for the sake of your loved ones. I've lost an aunt and a grandfather to cancer 'cause of cigarettes, and the pain of quitting is nothing compared to chemo and leaving behind the ones you love.
—Cathy 

Dear Dating Disaster:
First off, Taryn Ryder is my capable colleague, not my intern. Second, there are two ways to interpret our celebrity relaysh advice: either follow it in an effort to have the same kind of flingy fun, or listen to it and do the exact opposite. Your call! 

Dear Ted:
Is Nevis Divine Jim Sturgess or James McAvoy? A clue, a hint or an outright denial?
—Jandlinn

Dear British Wish:
James McAvoy is a fab guess, but no on both of those. Think less obviously humpy. 

Dear Ted:
That damned Diane Diamond has been the biggest hypocrite in this Michael Jackson story. She slew him during the trial and started out after his death doing the same thing. Then, all of a sudden, she's speaking nicely about him. I want to smack her in the face.
—Hiltner 

Dear Fame-whore:
Tell me about it. Surprised? Not me. 

Dear Ted:
What's with Miko Brando? He claims he never saw Michael Jackson take more pills than a normal person! It is obvious on the talk shows that he is in grief—and yet at the same time I wonder how he rationalizes the role he played in all of this.
—GMcGowan 

Dear Pill Popper:
And what makes you think that the bodyguard's idea of a "normal person" is the same as the rest of the world's? I think one would get very desensitized to normal after spending day after day with M.J. 

Dear Ted:
Why does the Jackson family need Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson to speak on their behalf? They have the ability to turn things into a media circus.
—Dnnro 

Dear Oratory Nightmare:
Why anyone worships whatever Al Sharpton says still blows my mind. That said, you can bet that he would soapbox his way into M.J.'s death, invited or not. 

Dear Ted:
There's a hometown-boy-made-good story here in my town—can't say where I am because it's a small place and everyone would know who I'm talking about. But anyhoo, he just came back from the big city for a visit, and he is now working on The Rachael Ray Show. I told him that my gossip columnist Ted C. says that Rachael's peeps say she's a royal biddy, and I asked if it was true. I swear I think he would tell me if it were true, but he says no, she's a doll. He works mega hours and mega hard, but he loves her and loves his job, he said. He could have been putting on, but he seemed really sincere. Whaddaya think?
—Beth 

Dear Blinded by Fame:
He's just a fresh-faced kid who hasn't seen Rachael's true yummo claws come out...just wait. Let me know if he still thinks Rach is such a doll after taking a little more time to get to know the talk-show diva. 

Dear Ted:
Ever since Michael Jackson died, Angelina Jolie has been absent from the gossip rags (yours included). I'm guessing this is not settling well with St. Angie and that she's probably working on something truly tab-worthy to get her name back on the newsstands. Another kid or another "scandal" threatening to break, something like that. Am I right?
—Sara 

Dear Fame Fortuneteller:
Surprisingly, Ange was keeping pretty low-key even before Michael took over the media...hence the premature Brange-breakup rumors. This crafty babe will never let you all know what she's truly up to. Trust. 

Dear Ted:
Can you please ask E! to ban news relating to Perez Hilton just like they banned "You Know Who?". He is so f--king desperate and fake. You bring us the gossip, which always turns out to be true, without being ridiculous about it. You always give props to your sources, and I love that. I hope you never stop.
—Ellie, Trinidad & Tobago 

Dear Gossip Princess:
I'm told P.H. actually used to be a receptionist here at E!, so in a way, he kind of banned himself when he left. But don't worry, ever since Perez decided he would rather be friends with celebs than gossip about them, he made his decision then. 

Dear Ted:
Please keep up the good work here. Could you please spill more juice on Wentworth Miller? What's next for him after Prison Break? You really don't say much about him, usually two lines max.
—Michelle 

Dear Yawn:
He's guest starring on the season premiere of Law & Order: SVU (even though that's more of a Watch With Kristin kind of thing), but as for the A.T., there's plenty of juice. You just don't know which Vice is oozing with it. Or do you? 

Dear Ted:
Just wondering: Has the yummy Bradley Cooper ever been a B.V.? Is there much dirt on him at all? I've heard whispers, but they all seem to make him out to be a total ass. Please say it ain't so!
—Jamie Laura 

Dear Snoop a Coop:
I'd love to hear what whispers you're hearing. Maybe it's the same kinda thing Bradley did in his very own Blind Vice. 

Dear Ted:
I must say that your Bitch-Back's lately have been a little hard on a Robsten shipper's heart, so will you please clarify something for me? Take for instance your prediction that Nikki Reed will be "revenge flirting all over Vancouver next month." Can we take for granted that by now Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart as a unit have her completely figured out and she would be no threat to them but maybe to some other poor gullible soul...but not our lovebirds?
—Mbogeypml 

Dear No Need to Worry:
I think you've got it. Nikki won't be going after Kristen's main man. Just in her fantasy mind. She'll prob be thinking she's making Rob jealous by schmoozing his closest buds. Can't wait to see for real. 

Dear Ted:
Love your comments on the circus surrounding Michael Jackson's death; you're ridiculously spot-on. Everyone is now treating Michael Jackson like a semi god. When Roman Polanski dies, will he get the same treatment, i.e., will his past be swept under the rug? I've been wondering about the young boys that made accusations against Jacko. I'd love to know what they think of this fiasco/circus called a funeral that's bleeding your city dry financially.
—Christine, Minn.

Dear Unequal Comparison:
Well, you've got two completely different people here, but the point is valid. There's something about a celebrity death—especially in Jacko's case—where the most respectful (and cowardly) thing to do is to conveniently ignore everything that could tarnish their work.

Dear Ted:
Thanks for showing respect for Elizabeth Taylor in a town where youth is everything. I wonder how many of her detractors will successfully remain in Hollywood as long as she has.
—Charlotte 

Dear Taylor Tweet:
Exactly my point. That old bitch has more vitality in her than half of the young, stamina-challenged H'wood stars today. 

Dear Ted:
Is Emma Uh-Oh Brittany Snow?
—Esther 

Dear Snow Flake:
Terrific guess, but no. Right look, right age though. 

Dear Ted:
Crotch Uh-Lastic's first birthday is coming up! You first revealed his slim body to us July 31 last year! Are you going to get him anything for the special occasion?
—Imqaatdbru 

Dear Crotch Grab:
Maybe a new pair of swim trunks for all of the men he's still luring home. 

Dear Ted:
Your cryptic info about Kristen being "over it" and Robsten's relationship being "fiery" has me worried. Is Robsten in trouble? A few months ago you were telling us that they were soul mates in Italy who were "going the distance." Have things radically changed? Please give us the scoop. The teasing is too much to bear!
—Depressed in July 

Dear Robsten-mania:
Just because they're "Robsten" doesn't exclude them from having relationship challenges that everyone experiences at some points. Even soul mates do, right? Still doesn't change that they're super into each other. Things will prob just be smoother when they're not kept apart for so long. 

Dear Ted:
Cheap trick to get people to read your "story" attacking M.J. Loser.
—Suck It, Weirdo

Dear No Thanks:
No cards up my sleeve, buddy. How I've always felt about M.J. has been very apparent for a long time now. 

Dear Ted:
Have you seen Peter Facinelli's Twitter lately? Check this out: "Just pulled over RV to take my kids to the Enchanted Forest theme park...I wonder what Rob Patz is doing today. Lol." What the hell did he mean by that?!
—Dani 

Dear Tongue in Cheek:
My guess is that Petey, who's always been a bit of a sly dog, is just having some fun with the crazy worship that his costar gets. All in good fun, Pete, right?