Tabloids Line 'Em Up, Brangelina Knocks 'Em Down

It's no wonder Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have maintained such a low profile of late, what with a wedding to plan, a child to keep from his birth mom, a kidnap plot to thwart and an eating disorder to foster.

That is, if the influx of tabloid reports surrounding the Hollywood couple are to be believed.

As it happens, absence may make the heart grow fonder, but it also seems to make the tabloid coverage grow even more implausible—and makes the PR rep earn her keep in denials.

At the top of Pitt spokeswoman Cindy Guagenti's debunking list is the report that the Mr. and Mrs. Smith costars are planning on becoming Mr. and Mrs. Pitt in the very near future.

The rumor got started when the wordsmiths over at Britain's OK! magazine took it upon themselves to announce that the twosome would tie the knot in an intimate ceremony in the Dominican Republic over the Easter holiday, with the publication claiming that Jolie fell in love with the area last year while filming The Good Shepherd on location.

Never mind that the once-divorced Pitt made the widely publicized announcement to Esquire last fall that he and the twice-divorced Jolie would only consider retying the knot once "everyone else in the country who wants to be married is legally able."

But despite Pitt's equal opportunity stance, and the lack of progress made in civil unions in the past few months, the report gained more traction this week, when George Nader, an art dealer and promoter who helped Pitt troll the tropical island for property last year, spoke out, seemingly corroborating the rumor.

"[Pitt] asked me by email if I could investigate marriage laws for foreigners—but just that," he told the Associated Press. "He didn't tell me they are coming to marry or when they would do it."

The couple did tell Guagenti, apparently: never. The rep has vehemently denied that any such vow swap is in the works.

Which, sadly, denies the tabloids a stab at an Incredible Shrinking Bride story.

Luckily, Jolie's own brother beat them to the punch.

James Haven recently got up close and very personal with Britain's Mail on Sunday, telling the paper that his sister has become startlingly skinny in recent months not because of an eating disorder, as has been alleged, but because she is still grieving the January death of their mother, Marcheline Bertrand.

"Angie has become very thing because she's grieving," he said. "It's even difficult for her to eat. I keep saying to her, 'Don't forget to eat.'"

"But you know, she doesn't pay much attention to food anyway and she's been going through a process of grief like me. She has not wanted to eat, nor has she been able to."

What she has been able to do, according to the ever-reliable Life & Style, is thwart a $100 million kidnap plot. Not too shabby for someone working on a limited caloric intake.

According to the checkout counter staple, Jolie's newly adopted Vietnamese son Pax was the target of a "credible" and "meticulously planned" plot to kidnap the three-year-old once he touched down in the states.

Opting not to name names, or give too specific an account of the would-be incident, the magazine claimed that the plot was hatched by a gang who told a handful of their L.A. members to carry out the deed. The scheme was allegedly found out by British members of the Jolie-Pitt security team, though Pitt's rep has denied the entire account.

Meanwhile, Pax is at the center of another brewing Madonna-like media storm, this time over allegations that the Jolie-Pitts adopted little Pax right out from under the nose of his biological relatives.

Last week, Britain's News of the World claimed to have tracked down Pax's maternal grandparents, who in turn dropped the bomb that their daughter abandoned the boy two days after his birth because she was addicted to heroin at the time. They also claimed that she may "try to take the child back" if she learns that Jolie was the one who adopted the boy, she would "go after her for money and make trouble."

So rampant were the rumors that the woman might contest the adoption that Vu Doc Long, Vietnam's director of international adoptions responded to the paper, saying it would be "impossible" for the birth mother to lay any claim to Pax.

"Police launched investigations to find the mother twice," he said. "The police never found the mother nor received any word from her at all. Even if she now claimed the boy, we would never give him back to an addicted woman."

At least Jolie is being given a break abroad. At home, however, is a different story.

During a formal adoption ceremony on Mar. 16, Jolie spoke with the Ho Chi Minh City Law newspaper and declared that she would devote the next several months to "stay at home to help Pax adjust to his new life."

However, just a few days later, she signed on to star in the action flick Wanted, raising more than a few eyebrows and causing several media outlets to sound their hypocrite alarms.

Us Weekly seemed to be at the forefront of the sirens, claiming the superstar was leading a double life, that there was trouble in paradise with Pitt and just generally casting doubt on the genuineness of her stay-at-home statement.

On the positive side, however, the magazine did give the country its first notion of where the Jolie-Pitts may be holing up since taking in Pax. While the couple has homes in Los Angeles and New Orleans, Jolie was last spotted in Chicago on Mar. 23, where she was conducting screen tests for her new movie. She officially goes into production on the flick next month.