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Summer Movie Pre-Boo: Toe Tags for Turkeys

Rush Hour 3 New Line Cinema

Everyone's doing it, the summer movie preview. Instead of discussing the exotic locales of the next Pirates installment, I'd like to help you map out some free time in the summer. So, here are five flicks that don't have Hollywood buzzing.

The way I see it, this is public service. The studios have time to make their finishing touches on the marketing, so maybe a little rap on the knuckles will make for some better posters. And more convincing shilling. And—ack, okay. Let's do it already.

1. Rush Hour 3
Oh, come on people, it isn't 2003! Much as I adore Jackie Chan and get a mild kick out of Chris Tucker, I can't help but think that Brett Ratner should have held off on releasing this until next year. Then, they could hype it as the 10th anniversary special. Or better yet, just rerelease Rush Hour for a celebration.
Bad Tagline:  The third Rush is not the charm!

2. No Reservations
So, Abigail Breslin teams up with Catherine Zeta-Jones and Aaron Eckhart for a restaurant-theme movie in which C.Z.J. proves she has a heart and can work a spatula. Oh dear. I mean, come on. You are Catherine Zeta-Jones, Welsh beauty, wife of Michael Douglas, so svelte and cold that you give Nicole Kidman a run for her freezy money. What the hell are you thinking? Don't try and go for Julia Roberts' territory. Just go be a bombshell.
Bad Tagline:  No Reservations...no problem! There's no way this baby will sell out!

Evan Almighty Ralph Nelson/Universal Pictures

3. Evan Almighty
It's not that the buzz is bad. It's not that Steve Carell isn't just one of the greatest comic actors working today. But $200 million spent and whispers of confusion on set don't bode so well. Plus, can't you just see Knocked Up appealing more to the laugh-seeking crowd? I can't help it. I wasn't big into Bruce Almighty. And I like my Carell in a Best Buy polo shirt or, of course, a nice women's pantsuit. If there's anyone who doesn't require extreme, God-involving concepts, it's him.
Bad Tagline:  Does this thing Evan float?

4. License to Wed
I mean, you never know. Mandy Moore should have a bona fide hit at some point. And she might have good chemistry with costar John Krasinski. But the problem is two words: Robin Williams. Have you seen the poster for this thing? Mandy and John are in bed and Williams—dressed up like a priest—is between them. Um, I don't really know what else to say.
Bad Tagline:  The producers of License to Wed should have their filmmaking licenses revoked!

Surf's Up Sony Pictures Animation/ZUMAPress.com

5. Surf's Up
This is so not going to be the animated movie that adults go see even if they are not parents. Yes, Shia LaBeouf is comparing it to Spinal Tap. Alas, this comparison makes me think that Shia is, gasp, human, and perhaps getting a little big for his britches. You don't compare a bouncy animated penguin movie to Christopher Guest. I mean, no. You just don't.
Bad Tagline:  Surf's down!

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