Soup Top 5: Charlie Sheen, Ashton Kutcher Face Death and Live to Pray About It!

According to unimpeachable source Levi Johnston, Sarah and Todd Palin slept in separate beds. But at least they skinned and gutted 12 point bucks together, which really keeps the sexy alive.

But so much for national news, you're here for the best of this week's Soup, and that's damn well what you're going to get.

1. Charlie Sheen: We can all breathe a sigh of relief now that there's no bad blood between Chuck and Ashton Kutcher. That's not to say that there wasn't blood and plenty of it!

One down, four to go. Make way for hilarity, folks!

2. The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Class act Joe Gorga knows what his wife Melissa's panties smell like, and he's going to show you (and his children) how.

3. Dancing With the Stars: Just when Nancy Grace was raising her courtroom credibility even higher by appearing on DWTS, she had to go and wear that low-cut dress. Couldn't she have cha-cha'd in a judge's robe?

4. The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: A real housewife doesn't have to confine her neurotic breakdowns to swank Beverly Hills. Watch simpering Taylor Armstrong prove it as she falls apart in the Colorado Rockies. Good times.

5. Jersey Shore After Hours: If you aren't satisfied with the wretched JS action when the gang is on the clock, dig into what Snooki has to say about jail, vomit and feces in her off-time.