"Sex" and the Sweeps

This February sweeps, TV viewers will mourn the end of Sex, mark the returns of Regis and Kathie Lee, and face further evidence that people will do anything to make money. Including lying down in a coffin filled with chicken feet and rats.

Okay, so, it's no Super Bowl halftime show. But what is?

NBC's ER tried to get in the bare-breast business, but network censors put an end to that Wednesday. And so this ratings-mad month, kicking off Thursday and running through March 3, will make do sans any--how should we say?--Miss Jacksons.

Still, the point remains: February sweeps, jam-packed. Highlights below:

SEASON FINALES Ed (Friday, NBC): Ed (Tom Cavanaugh) marries Carol (Julie Bowen) in the fourth--and, probably, final--season closer. Bring the Kleenex. Sex and the City (February 22, HBO): Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker) and crew hang up their Manolos. Celebrity Mole Yucatan (Feb. 18, ABC): Host Ahmad Rashad unveils the last quasi-famous person still standing. The Bachelorette (Feb. 25, ABC): Perky Meredith Phillips takes two hours to decide which guy she'll break up with one day in the tabloid press. Average Joe (March 1, NBC): Larissa Meek stares down the eternal question: Nice personality or nice teeth?

VERY SPECIAL EPISODES ER (Thursday, NBC): An aged patient was to have shown some skin in this episode, but in the wake of the Super Bowl peep show, NBC execs ordered the bare-breast scene deleted. ER exec producer John Wells, who denounced Janet Jackson's overexposure, called his bosses' decision an overreaction. Joan of Arcadia (Friday, CBS): God tells Joan (Amber Tamblyn) to join the debate team. Cops (Saturday, Fox): On this milestone, 550th episode, somebody most likely wearing a cut-off T-shirt gets arrested. Fear Factor (Monday, NBC): The couples' competition continues, with the remaining dynamic duos asked to do the aforementioned coffin thing, which specifically entails 30 dead chicken feet and lots of live rats. Angel (Feb. 11, WB): Undead Angel (David Boreanaz) time-travels back to World War II. He can do that. He's undead. Friends (Feb. 12, NBC): Phoebe (Lisa Kudrow) marries Mike (Paul Rudd) as the outgoing sitcom ramps up the sentiment. Star Trek: Enterprise (Feb. 18, UPN): "Dr. Phlox must put the entire crew to sleep." (We're sure this plays better on screen.) The O.C. (Feb. 18, Fox): Ryan's ex-girlfriend visits from Chino. Chino's, like, in the I.E. (for Inland Empire). The Apprentice (Feb. 19, NBC): One of Donald Trump's aspiring mini-moguls must deal with a family medical crisis. America's Funniest Home Videos (Feb. 22, ABC): "A little boy...stuffs an amazing amount of spaghetti up his nose."

AWARD SHOWS 46th Annual Grammy Awards (Sunday, CBS): Justin Timberlake, half of the Super Bowl's fun couple, rocks the house--sort of. He's a scheduled solo performer. Network censors standing by in case of any unforeseen wardrobe malfunctions. "E!'s red-carpet coverage, with Joan Rivers and Melissa Rivers, begins at 6 p.m. (ET/PT). 10th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards (Feb. 22, TNT): Charlize Theron brushes up on her Oscar speech. 2004 IFP Independent Spirit Awards (Feb. 28, Bravo): Venerable host John Waters keeps it real for the fourth straight year. 76th Annual Academy Awards (Feb. 29, ABC): Billy Crystal returns as emcee just in time to make fun of Janet Jackson's breast. E!'s live Oscar day programming begins at noon (ET), with Joan Rivers and Melissa Rivers' red-carpet report beginning at 6 p.m. (ET) and in HDTV for the first time.

NEWSMAKERS Dateline (Friday, NBC): David Gest talks with Stone Phillips about being pummeled "everywhere" by estranged wife Liza Minnelli. Children and big Liza fans strongly urged to skip this program. Primetime (Feb. 16, ABC): Mel Gibson opens up to Diane Sawyer about his passion for his new movie Passion.

STUNT-CASTING STUNTS Hope & Faith (Friday, ABC): Kathie Lee Gifford, late of Jimmy Kimmel Live, pays a visit to the sitcom of her blonder, younger Live! replacement, Kelly Ripa. In return for her goodwill gesture, Gifford is cast as Marge, the "disgruntled waitress." The Tracy Morgan Show (Saturday, NBC): Yes, it's for shizzle that entertainer Snoop Dogg will portray himself in this delightful entertainment half-hour. Word. Arrested Development (Sunday, Fox): Liza Minnelli guest stars as a socialite with vertigo. David Gest strongly urged to skip this program. Las Vegas (Monday, NBC): With his movie career already dead, Jean-Claude Van Damme finishes himself off in motorcycle stunt gone wrong. Two and a Half Men (Monday and Feb. 16, CBS): Jenna Elfman bewitches brothers Charlie (Charlie Sheen) and Alan (Jon Cryer) for two episodes. 8 Simple Rules (Tuesday, Feb. 17 and 24, ABC): Former Tiger Beat god Jonathan Taylor Thomas books a three-episode stint as the Hennessy clan's new tutor. I'm With Her (Tuesday, ABC): Brooke Shields plays the actress friend of writer/producer husband Chris Henchy's TV alter ego (played by David Sutcliffe). Scrubs (Tuesday and Feb. 17, NBC): Michael J. Fox ends a four-year sitcom sabbatical, playing an obsessive-compulsive heart surgeon. American Dreams (Feb. 15, NBC): Nick Lachey pretends to be Tom Jones. (Note to Jessica Simpson: That's Tom Jones, the 1960s pop icon, not Tom Jones, the titular hero of Henry Fielding's classic novel. In case you were wondering.) All of Us (Feb. 17, UPN): Series executive producer Will Smith checks up on the employees in this hourlong episode. The King of Queens (Feb. 18, CBS): Nepotism rules. Kevin James' real-life fiancée, Steffian De La Cruz, guests as his character's fantasy girl; Leah Remini's real-life husband, Angelo Pagan, guests as her character's fantasy boy. One on One (Feb. 24, UPN): Reigning American Idol champ Ruben Studdard serenades a condo board. George Lopez (Feb. 27, ABC): With Jonathan Taylor Thomas already employed by the TV family over at 8 Simple Rules, the Lopezes hire Paris Hilton to mold their children's minds. One Tree Hill (March 2, WB): Sheryl Crow appears as Sheryl Crow.

VERY SPECIAL SPECIALS Super Millionaire (Feb. 22-27, ABC): After burning out audiences on the prime-time version of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, ABC tries to recapture the magic (and the ratings) with a limited-edition, five-night run promising more lifelines, more cash (top prize: $10 million) and, yes, more Regis Philbin. The Great American Celebrity Spelling Bee (Feb. 13, 20, 27, Fox): Having no Love Boat upon which to sail, former prime-time favorites such as Harry (Night Court) Anderson and Brett (Grace Under Fire) Butler hunker down in a TV studio and spell words for charity (not their own). The Littlest Groom (Feb. 16 and 23, Fox): Not certain it's offended everyone yet, the network sends 4-foot-5-inch salesman Glen (no last name given) on a quest for his mate. Barbara Walters Special (Feb. 29, ABC): The 23rd annual edition of Walters' Oscar-night chats with Oscar-caliber celebs. No word yet on who'll be made to cry.

SEASON PREMIERES Oliver Beene (Sunday, Fox): This second-year sitcom renews its attempt to make you forget The Wonder Years when young Oliver (Grant Rosenmeyer ) spills soup on his pants. NYPD Blue (Tuesday, ABC): Technically, this is a return and not a premiere, but the aged cop show's been away for three months, so call this the beginning of the second half of its 11th season. Stephen King's Kingdom Hospital (March 3, ABC): Andrew McCarthy operates at this spooky St. Elsewhere, hatched from the mind of horrormeister King and based on a Dutch miniseries by director Lars von Trier.

TV MOVIES It Must Be Love (Feb. 15, CBS): Real-life marrieds Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen play reel-life marrieds. Ironjawed Angels (Feb. 15, HBO): Hilary Swank gets righteous as Alice Paul in this retelling of the suffragette movement, which probably helped cause the Super Bowl halftime show. The Mystery of Natalie Wood (March 1, ABC): Peter Bogdanovich directs newcomer Justine Waddell in this biopic about the child star turned leading lady.