Santa Claus Is Coming to...Hollywood

Kevin Mazur/WireImage.com

Santa Claus is real busy these days, so I thought I'd help him out with some gift-giving ideas for some of our favorite—and least favorite—celebs. Happy holidays from Planet Gossip! 

WEDDING RINGS: Beyoncé and Jay-Z, Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake, Fergie and Josh Duhamel, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt

It's time to get hitched. No more excuses. And no more wasting my time tracking down bogus wedding plan rumors. Just say "I do" already. 

MASKING TAPE: Michael Richards, Mel Gibson, Rosie O'Donnell, Rush Limbaugh, Judith Regan

If you have nothing nice to say, just, well, shut up. I'm all for free speech, but there are times when these celebs need to do a little thinking before speaking.  

BOTTLED WATER: Lindsay Lohan, Miss USA Tara Conner, Whitney Houston, Mel Gibson, Keith Urban

Believe me, it's not easy getting—and remaining—sober. But there's no reason anyone shouldn't be able to drink up and be merry this holiday season. Even better, chugging water means never having to worry about being pulled over and arrested for driving under the influence.

DNA TESTS: Anna Nicole Smith, Melanie Brown (aka Scary Spice)

No more "Who's your daddy?" debates with their ex-bedroom partners. 

A SEX TAPE, A DUI, OR A SECRET LOVE CHILD: Oprah Winfrey, George Clooney

These two are just so perfect they're on the brink of being boring. Can't they just have a little scandal in 2007? 

MATCH.COM ACCOUNT: Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson, Pamela Anderson, Teri Hatcher, Gisele Bündchen

Scoping out Hollywood for love just ain't working. Perhaps a personal ad will help them find their Prince Charmings. 

WARDROBE: Kirstie Alley, Britney Spears

I believe Kirstie dropped all that poundage, but I really didn't need to see her jiggle and sway on Oprah. As for Britney, no explanation needed.

MUSIC LESSONS: Kevin Federline, Jessica Simpson

Maybe K-Fed could have a career in music if he just, well, finds his voice. Okay, maybe not. As for Jessica, she's got the voice, she just to needs to learn the words to "9 to 5." All together now: "Working nine to five, what a way to make a living..." 

IN-HOME METAL DETECTOR: Snoop Dogg

Maybe he'll start remembering that carrying guns, especially in an airport, is not a good thing. 

REALLY FUNNY JOKES: Ellen DeGeneres

The funnygal talk-show host makes her debut as Oscar host in 2007. No doubt she'll leave us laughing, but the Academy Awards is a hard show to crack. Just ask Chris Rock.

ANTIBACTERIAL SOAP: Kelly Ripa

Just in case another Regis fill-in invades her space or, God forbid, touches her. If that's not good enough, perhaps a surgical mask will do.

ANYTHING SHE WANTS: Jennifer Hudson

From American Idol wannabe to the number one Dreamgirl, Jennifer deserves—and has certainly earned—whatever her heart desires. 

For more celeb gift ideas, make sure to check out next week's special holiday edition of the Planet Gossip show on the Vine at E! Online.