Paris Gets Posey, Bosworth Gets Boney, Crowe Gets Burned

"Publicity Ho!" If you've ever wondered how photogs get those candid shots of celebrities smooching and whatnot, now the truth can be told. The stars pose for them! Sometimes, anyway. The National Enquirer catches professional partyer Paris Hilton and body-art pincushion Travis Barker in the act of, well, acting romantic. And among the make-out pics is one that features Hilton's publicist snapping a shot of the "shocking" PDA. Pardon us for rattling the very foundations of entertainment journalism like this, but it's almost enough to make you think it's all staged.
--Lovable Drew Barrymore in Us. No, she isn't a singer, but she plays one in a new movie, Lucky You. Hey, it worked for Adam Sandler. And if she'd gotten him to play her love interest, it undoubtedly would work again Baba Wawa Woof-Woof: Forget August, late September brings the dog days of summer to the tabloids. In that spirit, both Us Weekly and Star are reporting Barbara Walters' claim on The View that her pooch Cha-Cha can talk--and has even told her, "I love you." Sure, it's hard to believe that a yipping designer dog could approximate those words, but it's harder still when you consider Cha-Cha learned to speak from Walters, which makes the pooch's efforts "Twooly wemahkable!" --Clay Aiken in People, on whether he's really gay Aiken. And that has to be one of the best non-answers in history. Pure genius, ranks right up there with "It depends on what the meaning of 'is' is" Okay, we understand. Angelina Jolie hasn't adopted anyone in weeks, so you can feel the frustration over at Us, where demand for celebrity stories always exceeds supply. Witness this week's manufactured photo spread that claims "Brad Wears the Pants Now!" As proof, the mag contrasts recent pics of dominant, trouser-donning Brad Pitt with photos from last year, when Angie was more, um, slacksational. Then they ask a body-language expert to wax deeply on the differences. Angie is subservient now--as scientifically proven by her walking behind Brad and looking down at Maddox's feet. The expert says Angie's bowed head shows she is "not at all happy being behind." Or maybe, like a good mom, she could be carefully watching her son's footsteps. In another picture, the same expert says Pitt is "super-asserting himself by walking directly in front," while Jolie is "insecure and feeling vulnerable." Guess that's why they're the experts. Because to us it looks like Angie is just rolling up her sleeve, possibly in anticipation of giving a body-lingo specialist a major beat-down. --Zach Braff in Us. Oof! Cheer up, Zach. Just because it's common doesn't mean it's wrong. After all, the most ubiquitous theory on Scrubs is that it's funny, though we think it may have already jumped the scalpel...or stabbed the shark Fashion Bash Fallout: Perhaps we spoke too soon when we quoted Star last week as saying Lindsay Lohan's hotel heir beau Harry Morton was a good influence because he convinced her to skip "NY Fashion Week in favor of a more respectable trip to the Venice Film Fest to boost her movie career." Turns out that after the festival, Lindsay jetted back to the Big Apple anyway, where she slipped at a Fashion Week fete, breaking her wrist in two places. Maybe Lindsay isn't partying too hard, but at the very least, she seems to be doing it incorrectly, winding up hospitalized for exhaustion, asthma and a bizarre teacup tumble earlier this year. Sounds like it's time she either added a medic to her entourage or went on tour with David Hasselhoff. --Jessica Simpson in Star. She may be on to something--witness how her budding romance with John Mayer swiftly became a big fat Messica He's No Crowe-Magnon: Those expecting a phone-flinging bad boy saw a different Russell Crowe at Manhattan's Benihana restaurant. The Enquirer reports that Crowe was happily horsing around with dinner mates, engaging in some chopstick swashbuckling--until he accidentally put his palm down on the sizzling grill. Erupting with invective, the actor only calmed down after he immersed his paw in a bucket of ice water, where it remained while he enjoyed his dinner. And the restaurant's sources say the Gladiator was still glad he ate there.
--Lionel Richie in Star, on daughter Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton's feud. Sounds like the makings of a whole 'nother TV series: Simple Life: The Early Years