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Nitpickture (Oscar Edition): The Departed

The Departed Warner Bros. Entertainment

We Massholes are a critical bunch, and we love this movie. What a coup for Martin Scorsese. Beats an Oscar any day of the week, if you ask me. Of course, we only tease those we love. So, while I'll say an Oscaah night prayer for Marty, I'll also say this: Boston-accent report cards are out. You might wanna grab a pint and cross your fingahs:

Mark Wahlberg:  A
Okay, he grew up as a Southie and is the most at ease with the accent, firing off motha' insults like he never stopped riding the T.

Matt Damon:  A+
Why, oh why, does this guy not get nominated? I hunted down an Academy voter. She was pretty blunt: "He's a gentleman. He doesn't ask for it." Dammit, Matty, please get a new pimp.

Leonardo DiCaprio:  A+
He scores extra points for holding the cigarette just so and mastering the North Shore/South Shore dichotomy. His accent is inconsistent, but it's supposed to be. Brilliant.

The Departed Warner Bros. Entertainment

Jack Nicholson:  N/A
I don't know what he was doing. It wasn't Boston. But it was awesome, like an old-world pirate who popped out of a time machine.

Martin Sheen:  B+
Ever see the '83 ABC miniseries Kennedy? Marty absolutely transformed himself into John F. Kennedy. He did it again in The Departed. Okay, so he wasn't supposed to be JFK, but who cares? It sounded haawt.

You get it. The men of The Departed excel. Let us now discuss the women. Gulp...

NEWS FLASH: There are female actors in and around South Boston! Why Marty would not hire them, I cannot say.

Kristen Dalton:  D
As Nicholson's good-time gal (as in, coke whore), Dalton beat the accent to a pulp. All that's left is some vaguely cartoonish '40s noir voice that can't be attributed to any geographic locale.

The Departed: Vera Farmiga Warner Bros Entertainment
Vera Farmiga:  C
She's the luckiest, horniest head shrink in cinema history. "Farmiga's accent was the most off for me," rails one Mass-bred media chick. "Don't most of the professional women you know lose or neutralize their accents? Especially those who go to Harvard, as her sweatshirts and various framed degrees so helpfully informed us. Ellen Pompeo, for example, only lays it on thick when she's getting angry at waitresses on Punk'd." Well said, hon. I'm gonna go score coffee. Let's hope I don't accidentally cut Pompeo in line.

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