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Nicole Still Hearts Tom

This might be enough to make Keith Urban cancel his subscription to Ladies Home Journal. Ditto for Katie Holmes.

Nicole Kidman has spoken out about her relationship with ex-hubby Tom Cruise, telling the women's mag that her 2001 divorce was a "major shock" and that she still carries a torch for her former flame.

"He was huge; still is. To me, he was just Tom, but to everybody else, he is huge. But he was lovely to me. And I loved him. I still love him," she told the magazine in an issue hitting stands today.

Cruise filed for divorce from Kidman after 10 years of marriage, citing irreconcilable differences and issuing the official line that divergent careers kept them apart.

The 38-year-old Oscar winner told the magazine that she knew she needed to brace herself for some sort of personal disaster, but had no idea it would be her marriage.

"I always knew the rug was going to be taken out from underneath me at some stage," she said. "I didn't think it was going to happen in the way it happened. I had seen my mother battle breast cancer, so I had a fear of my health being jeopardized--that was really where I was thinking mine would come.

"I knew I was going to get hit with something. But I think a divorce, and the demise of your family, is a little death in itself."

As for the Bewitched star's children--daughter Isabella, 13, and Connor, 11--whom she adopted with her superstar ex--Kidman says she's grateful.

"I feel enormous love for whoever my children's birth parents are. And if my children choose to go find them at some stage, I can't wait. Because--it's the weirdest thing--I actually feel [they're] very connected to us as a big, strange family, and whether they choose to search for them or not, who knows," she said.

As for the newest branch of her big, strange family, namely her children's soon-to-be stepmom Holmes and sister Suri, Kidman stayed mum, though she did offer her congratulations to the new brood--two-thirds of them, anyway--upon news of the stork delivery.

"I hope both mother and baby are doing well," she said.

As for a possible future expansion of her end of the family tree, Kidman's not talking--not directly, anyway.

The actress, who has been dating country crooner Urban for several months, spoke in a characteristically guarded fashion about their relationship.

"I'm pretty careful about who I share my life with," she said. "I surround myself with truthful, kind people, most of whom are not in the business. It's the life I want to have when I'm an old woman with long, gray hair."

The actress, who has a stockpile of finished films awaiting release, will next be seen on the big screen this November in Fur, a biopic of photographer Diane Arbus.

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