BloodRayne

There's a new bloodsucker in town, ready to sap the vital essence from even the strongest of moviegoers. This foul beast's name? BloodRayne, a piece of cinematic effluvium so dreary, lifeless and lost that it sends chills down the spines of only those unlucky souls involved in making the thing. Adapted from the videogame, BloodRayne stars Kristanna Loken as the titular dhampir--half human, half vampire and no personality--seeking revenge on her vampire father for. ..well, some reason, it's never very clear. Typically, these sorts of onscreen messes provide at least a few hot action sequences, but director Uwe Boll conjures no stalwart heroes and no badass villains. The "vampires" are walking, hissing Kool-Aid fountains we could easily dispatch with a rolled-up newspaper, and the half-vampire dhampir is granted the skills of an eighth-grade gymnast in exchange for a mortal vulnerability to--get this--water. Still, BloodRayne is a horror movie, evidenced by the inexplicable presence of Ben Kingsley, who speaks ludicrous bad-guy lines in a held-at-gunpoint monotone. Ultimately, BloodRayne fails as mindless entertainment and as eye candy, violating the basic laws of both vampire films and cheesy videogame adaptations: It can't even suck right.