Hello, Mr. "CHiPs"

An Open Letter to Wilma [sic] Valderrama:

Son, you don't know me, but I know you. You're young and good-looking, the world at your fingertips. And though you wouldn't guess it by the snow on my roof, I've been there--even used to be sweet on that Lindsay Wagner [Lindsay Lohan?] myself. So, all things considered, I reckon I'm not out of line to ask something of a favor:

Forget about Ponch, and do me.

Now, my young cousin Jedediah laughs every time I say that, but I don't think there's anything humorous about the situation, not at all.

See, Betty--she's my secretary gal--she clipped out a couple articles of interest for me from Thursday's Hollywood industry newspapers. And these newspapers, they said that you've signed to star as Officer Francis "Ponch" Poncherello in a spruced-up, big-screen version of CHiPs.

Well, jumpin' Jehosophat, son, what do you want to go and do that for?

Now, I know, you young people are partial to CHiPs. Apparently, you think it's "groovy." Well, if showing off your too-tight pants on a motorcycle is considered "groovy," then call me a "square." The way this American sees it, for six long years, from 1977 to 1983, that show belittled the work of the fine men [and women] who keep our roads safe as sworn officers of the California Highway Patrol. Crime fighting and disco music? Preposterous!

And do you want to know something else about your precious Ponch? If that smiley-faced fellow who played him on the TV show [Erik Estrada] hadn't sat out part of the fifth season, then that Wheaties box boy [Olympian Bruce Jenner] might never have been hired to play his cut-rate fill-in [Officer Steve McLeish]. As my grandpappy used to say, the Wheaties box boy couldn't act if he could act. (Grandpappy was even older than I am when he said this, so the sentiment's a little rough around the edges, but you get the idea.)

But here's what really chaps my hide: According to MysteryNet.com, in the 139 episodes of CHiPs, only 19 people were killed. Disgraceful! Let me tell you what, in 178 episodes of Barnaby Jones, I pumped a lot of lead in the direction of a lot of bad guys because I was out to get the bad guy--not aide and abet him like that bleeding-heart Ponch and his pretty-boy partner Jon [played on the series by Larry Wilcox].

And now that I've come right out and mentioned Barnaby Jones, Betty here is reminding me to get back to my original point, which was: Forget Ponch, forget CHiPs and do Barnaby Jones.

In my considerable years, I've seen Hollywood make a lot of 1970s cop/detective shows into movies. Charlie's Angels. Starsky & Hutch. S.W.A.T.. For tarnation's sake, The Mod Squad. And now CHiPs.

Well, I ask you, young man, when's it going to be my turn? Am I not considered "neato" enough for today's audiences? Well, I could show them a thing or two--and I could, if only you'd play me!

Look, son, my Jedediah says you're regular crack-up on that 1970s show [That '70s Show], and that you have a bright future in front of you. So, why risk it on Ponch? From what I read, the CHiPs movie [to be released by Warner Bros.] doesn't have a director, a producer or even a Jon. If it wasn't for you and the writers from The Trini Lopez Show [Correction: The George Lopez Show], it wouldn't have anything at all.

It's not too late to do the right thing, my boy. Give me a call.

Just don't ring late. I'm out like a light after Wheel of Fortune.

Yours faithfully,

Barnaby Jones
A Quinn Martin Production