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Conan to Canada: J'apologize

Conan O'Brien has surrendered to the French. Canadians, that is.

The Late Night funnyman issued a bilingual apology to French Canadians after a controversial sketch on his show last week had our neighbors to the north crying foul.

With the help of a translator, O'Brien addressed the controversy caused after Triumph the Insult Comic Dog pooped all over residents of Quebec, Canada's French province.

The self-deprecating apology, issued after his monologue Tuesday night, began:

O'Brien: "People of Quebec, I'm sorry."

Translator (in French with subtitles): "People of Quebec, I'm an albino jackass."

O'Brien: "We meant no harm with our comedy piece the other night."

Translator: (in French) "The other night, I wet the bed like a little girl."

O'Brien: "I was a stranger in a strange land and I was very insensitive."

Translator: (in French) "I have a small penis."

O'Brien: "Quebec, your lively and rich culture is a treasure to Canada, and your unique heritage deserves only praise, not ridicule."

Translator: (in French) "I have never known the touch of a woman and I never will."

O'Brien: "Again, please accept my heartfelt apologies."

Translator: (in French) "Did I mention I have a small penis?"

O'Brien and Triumph were in Canada on a goodwill mission of sorts. The late-night yakker took his show on the road to Toronto last week with the help of $750,000 in Canadian taxpayers' money--a move Canadian promoters hoped would give the city's tourism industry a boost after being crippled by SARS last spring.

Guests included a who's who of Canadian show-biz talent, including Jim Carrey, Mike Myers, Michael J. Fox, Eric McCormack and the Barenaked Ladies.

But Triumph's rant against French Canadians during a visit to Quebec City's Winter Carnival had Canadian politicians denouncing the "vile and vicious" sketch and demanding their money back.

The cigar-chomping sock puppet, who included homegrown heroine Celine Dion in his cheeky rant, told one man, "You're French, you're obnoxious and you no speekay English." He told another: "I can smell your crotch from here."

Approaching a couple of French Canadian separatists, the bitchy puppet said, "Listen closely. Hear that? It's the sound of no one giving a s--t."

The subject of separatism in Canada is already a touchy subject and members of the federal government moved quickly to disassociate themselves with the anti-French jokes made on O'Brien's show to avoid fueling a 30-year-plus national debate.

"It's wrong to spread the worst possible ethnic prejudices about Quebecers, which already exist in Canada," Jean Dorion, president of the Quebec nationalist Saint-Jean-Baptiste Society, told the Associated Press.

But a Canadian businessman, who allegedly had a hand in bringing the New York-based show to Toronto, said his countrymen were taking the show too seriously.

"It's a silly puppet that tells silly jokes," said Peter Soumalias. "Most people find it funny."

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