chelsea lately (780 posts)

When I got invited to a Superbowl party I was really confused.  I mean, how good could a toilet be?  I googled "best toilet" and boy was I surprised.  Did you know that some toilets shoot water into your bum-bum?  I would only want one of those if it hand a hand drier built in to dry me off.  That would be amazing.  We could call it the Bravo Fan and I would make millions of dollars and I would never have to put on another adult diaper just to make Ms. Chelsea laugh and then I would be the boss and she would work for me.  I wish.  Oooops, I'm late.  I'm wearing a sombrero today so people can eat chips off of my head.  Talk to you later!

The Super Bowl was filled with riveting drama, and as a known avid football watcher, I was glued to the television for every second of it.  Or, I had a party and it was on in the background and every once in a while I'd glance up to see if it was over. I did enjoy the half time show, which is surprising since Madonna and her body terrify me. I thought she was entertaining, but more impressive was her ability to completely steal my dance move, which is to shuffle back and forth until I find something solid to hold on to and then just go off. M.I.A. made the news because she opted to flip off the entire crowd, which is always an interesting choice. In every situation it's commonly used in, flipping someone off accomplishes nothing. Nobody pulls over, un-runs the stop sign, apologizes or gives you back your underwear. However, everyone is talking about her today so I guess she accomplished what she wanted to accomplish. The biggest drama is actually today, with the media in an uproar after Gisele whatshername allegedly defended her husband Tom Brady when some fans taunted her. Gisele supposedly snapped and said "My husband cannot f--kin' throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time." The fact that this is causing any frenzy is stupid.  Aside from the fact that she's his wife so defending him is not that weird, she has a pretty solid point.  

It's different when Chelsea's not here. I don't have to wear a diaper, nobody asks me to dress up like cupid and I don't have to ride miniature horses.  I feel like I really connect with Ross because when I close my eyes his voice sounds like my tia Manuela. I think from now on, even when Ms. Chelsea is back, I'm going to picture that it's Ross. It's a good thing E! promised me that nobody would be reading my diary or else I could get in big trouble for writing this.

I wish I could tell the future.  I have so many questions that I need to know the answer to like, when will I hit my growth sprint and how old will Dolly Parton be when her boobs drop?  Those babies are amazing.  I went to a psychic but she tried to tell me things by looking at cards.  Cards?  That is so stupid!  Everybody knows if you are going to see into the future you need one of those bowling balls with smoke in it.  Don't try to pull the sheep over my eyes.  I'm not falling for it. 

The cabin crew on a British Airways flight from Miami to London mistakenly announced to passengers that the plane was going to crash. The automated message told the passengers to brace themselves for an emergency water landing. Obviously, panic spread throughout the plane, until a flight attendant came on the intercom and explained that the "crash message" was played in error. This is definitely one case where "my bad" isn't going to cut it. And probably the only case in history where a British accent wasn't so soothing. I also didn't realize that a "crash message" was automated.  That seems pretty f****d up. It should be a real person telling you that your life is about to end, not some recording played on a loop like Christmas music in a mall. I'll go out on a limb and assume that the line to use the lavatory afterward was pretty long. This story is terrible; as if a flight out of Miami isn't enough of a pain in the ass, these poor people thought for a few horrifying seconds that Miami would be the last place they'd ever see. I like to believe something good came out of this: for instance maybe a snotty British woman in First Class ran to coach and found some guy to dry hump, or a newlywed woman who was already rethinking her marriage had her suspicions confirmed when her husband climbed over her and screamed "Every man for himself!"

A fan who collected a jar of water from a Miami Beach pool that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes swam in last summer is now selling the jar on EBAY. The winning bidder will also receive a 5x7 photo of Tom swimming in the pool with Katie Holmes by his side as a "certificate of authenticity." Since Tom was swimming in it, I assume it wasn't taken from the deep end. It also isn't clear if in the photo you can actually see the shackles that keep Katie bound to Tom's side. I'm sure this is on the up and up-of course, you could just get a picture of Tom Cruise swimming in a pool and then fill a jar up with water from any other pool in the world and claim it's the same one, but this person doesn't sound smart enough to lie. The seller is also claiming that there is a "limited supply" of this "special water," which is a big F-U to the whole rest of the pool. Currently, there are 8 bids for the jar and bidding is up to $130. The list of those 8 bidders will come in handy if anyone ever needs to make a list of the 8 biggest losers in the world. 

All week people were telling me that I had to watch the Golden Globes.  They said that it was something that I should not miss.  So, last night, I sat down ready to see golden globes and all I saw were the same Hollywood assholes I see every day at work.  I thought it was an award show about really nice boobs.  They really need to rename it.  I know I'm not the only one who fell for that trick.  I'm starting an online petition as soon as I can figure out how to get to the petition website.  

Why does everybody give Lindsay Lohan such a hard time?  Sure she's been to jail but so have I and look how good that turned out.  I was at Blockbuster this weekend and the only movies on the shelves were with Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid and Keanu Reeves.  She must be doing something right to be in such good company.  For the record, I rented "Herbie, Fully Loaded" and I have to say I thought both she and Herbie were very natural.   

A 62 year old woman was arrested for aggravated battery after she hit a 65 year old man in the head with a hammer. The woman told police that she was "upset" with the man because he was watching "Judge Judy." What's your beef with "Judge Judy," girl?  I'm going to go out on a limb and guess there was more going on with these two than that. The man is okay for the most part; he only ended up with a large cut on his head. So that rules out this woman's profession being carpenter or roofer. This happened in Florida, but at this point that goes without saying. Police didn't get much information from the woman; they said that she wasn't able to hold a conversation after the incident. I'm not sure why; she sounds smart. But the lack of information has made it unclear to the police what the relationship between these two is. Well whatever it is, it's not great.