Canine Comments on Elton John Genital Offer

British pop legend Elton John recently revealed that he would prefer to have his “cock bitten off by an Alsatian” than watch the U.K. talent show The X Factor, and the unique mutilation request didn’t stop there; “My balls, too,” stated the superstar.

The comment has prompted a response from Mr. Sparky, a 7-year-old Alsatian (also known as German Shepherd) and spokesdog for the breed.

"Sorry, but biting off genitals is not what we do,” explained Mr. Sparky, known throughout his Pomona, Calif., neighborhood as “a good boy.” “Sure, there’s the whole World War II Nazi guard-dog thing—thanks, Hogan's Heroes—but really, all we like is a bit of herding, maybe some tracking and to have a nice nap. Chomping at the johnsons of aging, flamboyant rock legends? I don’t think so. Of course, if Elton were to market a tasty, liver-flavored dog treat in the shape of his penis, I’d be open to devouring that.”