Britney's K-Fed Shed, Borat's Oops Upside the Head—and Shanna's Bloody Good Cake

Splitney Cheers: Perhaps channeling the country's throw-the-bums-out mood, Britney Spears wrapped up her two-year marriage to would-be rapper Kevin "PapaZero" Federline by filing for divorce. The incumbent husband apparently ran afoul of the only voter who counts: the wife, who was unhappy about his repeated trips to Vegas with his poser posse while she stayed home on smelly-diaper duty. After Britney's looking-good-is-the-best-revenge surprise appearance on Letterman, People reports that the pop tart had a bigger surprise in store. She reportedly "went straight from the Ed Sullivan Theater in midtown Manhattan to the nearby Sony Studios, where she faxed her signature to the Los Angeles lawyers handling her divorce." Clueless K-Fed was totally out of the loop—not to mention outwitted by Britney. Ouch! Maybe he should have seen it coming. After all, Spears was one of many no-shows at Kevin's "tumbleweeds only" concert in NYC (300 turned up at a 1,500 seat venue). But the Federline didn't discover he was getting divorced until the next day in Toronto, when, according to the Boston Globe, Britney text-messaged him the news. Sounds like K-Fed was among the last to know he would now forever be known as Fed-Ex. —Kevin Federline in Star. No worries, K-Fed, we understand who you are. You're that baby daddy, totally lameass guy who used to be famous. Yo, not much of bio, bro! Kazakhstan TKO:  Fond of pushing the envelope with his boorish Borat character, Sacha Baron Cohen found himself on the wrong end of a couple of punch lines in NYC recently, according to the National Enquirer. Heading out for a drink with Hugh Laurie after the pair's recent SNL appearance, Cohen stayed in Borat mode to goof on a passerby as Laurie stepped into a Greenwich Village pub. The comedian reportedly told the guy on the street, "I like your clothings. Are nice! Please, may I buying? I want to have sex with it...your clothings...very much." Whereupon, the dude smacked Cohen upside the head—and then gave him another whack for good measure! That's when Laurie leaped to the rescue, rushing out of the bar and pulling Cohen to safety. Rough crowd, New Yorkers. In Manhattan, it pays to walk softly, especially if you carry a big schtick.
—George Clooney in In Touch. Nice work if you can get it, and obviously George can This Takes the Cake: Talk about a bloody breakup! Former Miss USA Shanna Moakler celebrated severing her marriage to ex Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker in high spirits with a divorce party at Light nightclub at the Bellagio in Vegas. Star mag features a grinning, knife-wielding Shanna menacing her three-layer divorce cake, which shows a mangled and Mohawked groom lying in a pool of blood. (Our Hollywood Party Girl has a version of the pic—check it here.) Shanna also had her knife out, metaphorically anyway, for Paris Hilton (who reportedly had a nightclub altercation with Moakler after the celebutante was widely photographed playing tonsil hockey with Travis). "For me, it's over," Moakler told Star. "I think they deserve each other. They're similar in a lot of ways." We have to agree, if only because she's got a knife. Anyway you slice it, Shanna is definitely not your parents' beauty queen. —Sandra Bullock in Us Weekly, on plastic surgery. We know she's being sardonic and all that, but leave it to Sandy to put a positive spin on disembowelment Motherhood Macabre: Stars love to give us way Too Much Info to chew on. Like this Patricia Arquette news bite courtesy of In Touch. Although Arquette could have kept it to herself, the Medium star admits she made a necklace out of her now 17-year-old son's baby teeth. Kinda creepy, yes. Also, she plans to add her three-year-old daughter's choppers to the string of pearly whites when little Harlow loses them. That's taking the whole adoring-mom thing a tad too far. Let's just hope she doesn't save the kids' skin when their suntans peel. If so, we don't want to hear a peep about her homemade gloves. —Will Ferrell in People. In other words, making an ass of yourself is cool, but adding injury to insult don't mean jack
Red Bull Facial: You never get a second chance to make a first impression. Just ask Paris Hilton, who wanted to make a big splash while pitching a new show to Fox but ended up all wet. And no, it wasn't hot. The Enquirer says the Simple Life star was just entering the network's executive suite, when she opened a can of energy drink that was too energetic. The Red Bull reportedly splooged forth unexpectedly, drenching her spray-on tan and hair extensions. Hilton spent 15 minutes in the loo getting cleaned up and composed but to no avail. The upshot of her faux pas? Fox passed. —Lost's Josh Holloway reveals his beauty secret in In Touch's Sexiest Stars in Hollywood. Whatever works for you, Studly McHunksteen. After all, Josh is the only guy in the world who spends more time with his shirt off than Matt McConaughey. Who, by the way, somehow got lost when they made this list. We sense a change in the Hollywood pec-ing order
Undergarment Undercurrents:  It's no surprise Star is all over that Brad Pitt-in-his-underwear "Vanity Unfair" story, which our E! Online news hounds had last week—read it here. The shorts, er, short version: Brad did a video shoot in his undies with famous artist Robert Wilson, who scored the cover, thanks largely to the whole A-list man-candy-in-skivvies angle. Star wants Brad to lighten up and let everyone enjoy his good looks. Whatever. Our beef isn't with the beefcake but with Star's scribblers not knowing their underwear. They write in a caption, "Tighty-whities were just fine for Mr. & Mrs. Smith, so why not for Vanity Fair?" Our complaint, to be brief, is that Brad is wearing loose boxer shorts, not tighty-whities. So, tighten up, Star scribes! Not the underwear—the prose.
—Brad Pitt in Star, on giving himself wedgies to amuse the crew on the set of Babel. It's nice when the biggies can make themselves the butt of jokes
Reese Is in Pieces, Ryan Is Cryin': Regardless of the facts, Hollywood's kneejerk reaction generally is to sympathize more with the bigger star in any breakup, which helps explain the rah-rah Reese vibe in coverage of the Reese Witherspoon-Ryan Phillippe split. So, kudos to In Touch for their cover "Ryan's Side of the Story." Unfortunately, they're overselling it by claiming an "exclusive interview." It turns out to be two exclusive quotes, mixed with a lot of rumor and innuendo from anonymous reps, friends and insiders. On the other hand, this is two quotes more than the other mags have, so we might as well share them. Thus spake Ryan:  (1) "This is the hardest time of my life—I miss my family," and (2) "I'm  not jealous of her; that's so far from the truth. She's someone who's very talented and works hard. I've done well, too—that was never an issue." And remember you heard it here exclusively second in Tab Fab. —Dame Judi Dench in Globe, on catching a glimpse of new Bond Daniel Craig's manhood on the set of Casino Royale. Judi sounds stirred, not shaken. Meanwhile, in Us, former Bond babe Grace Jones echos that emotion: "He's certainly very hot. But the next Bond should really be a woman!" It's fine by us, as long 007 still has the magic touch with the ladies
Additional snarky smarts and tab-fabulous wit provided by the lovely and talented Tina King