Boys to Men

We talk mood music with Maroon 5 at their album release party and see what makes Vice President Cheney 'n' crew such dicks! Plus, dig into our deliciously bitchy, calorie-laden Blind Vice! Maroon 5 is back with a new album, and the band held a bash Tuesday night at the Lot to celebrate its second CD. And—how veddy interesting—John Mayer was listed on the RSVP list. Which is kinda funny, because it was Jessica Simpson who was linked to Adam Levine right around the time she split with Nick Lachey. But now J-babe and John are prolly kaput, so perhaps it’s all water under the booty-call bridge? (John never showed up, for the rebound record. Must have been off having wet, smelly fun with his latest.) Sounds like Jess never got any private serenades from Adam, either. I asked the lead singer if girls ever ask for private concerts from the crooner.

“Yeah,” Adam admitted. “I never do [agree]. I get kind of embarrassed. Believe it or not, I’m a little shy.” 

Aw, shucks! You don’t say? A.L. also told me listening to his own music while getting down (tween the sheets) is outta the question, too. Shame, since some of 5’s tracks are totally quasi-raunch-o ‘n’ romantic.

Fellow M5er James Valentine agreed with the no-Maroon-5-music-during-nooky notion. 

“Definitely not,” he scoffed at the possibility. “I imagine that if I was hooking up with a girl and put on our record, she would probably get up and walk out.”  

Not so sure about that. I hear John Mayer is a fan of getting freaky to the sound of his tunes, and it seemed to work on Jess-doll for a while there, didn’t it?

Britney Spears’ reps—again—will not respond, point-blank, when I ask directly what the ef’s goin’ on with the poor gal’s reported drinking. And let’s be perfectly clear here: The only reason I’m so publicly asking is because these babes—including Lindsay, who, by the by, has the same rep as does Ms. Es—make such a to-do over getting sober in the first place. What the hell’s so wrong about doing it quietly in a church basement for a few months, seeing that it sticks and then blabbing about it? Regardless, good luck, Brit-Brit. Mary Cheney, the Vice Prez’s lesbian daughter, must have one either very pissed off or pushed off partner. Heather Poe, Mary’s partner of 15 damn years, was essentially treated like dog s--t when Dick Cheney’s office recently announced that M.C. had given birth to her dad’s sixth grandchild and that Poe would have no legal or parental rights whatsoever to the child. Cheney’s regime, which has consistently insisted that Cheney and her lover be invisible—as opposed to Mary’s heterosexual siblings—during the V.P.’s more public appearances, might as well have said, “And she dresses like crap, too.” Intolerant freak-a-zoids are running this country, I’m tellin’ ya, girlfriends!

Amy Winehouse, shootin’ her latest video with the equally unconventional David LaChapelle. Spies on set, which was a seedy motel on the corner of Cashio and La Cienega, said the beehived babe with bad teeth is a “wisp of a girl, all hair and bones,” with a sick shoehorn tat on her left arm. Fierce! Meanwhile, another woman who wouldn’t be caught dead with ink was...

Maria Shriver, exiting the parking structure at Smashbox Studios. California’s First Lady and Ah-nuld’s better half was drivin’ a big black Escalade (not very eco-friendly, Maria—maybe you and the Governator should look into pimpin’ a Prius), complete with official government placard in the window and Arnold bumper sticker on the back. Can’t say she’s not supportive! Speaking of action stars...

Chris Evans, of Fantastic Four fame, was seen yukkin' it up with a baked-looking Adam Brody. Tuesday night at the Maroon 5 album release party. The two semiscruffy dudes, both rockin’ not so hot mustaches, were hanging inside the bash among party peeps playing videogames and air hockey. Wonder if they were comparing facial hair tips?

Editorial Note:  For Memorial Day, Cristina, Merritt and yours truly will be off working on our tans and remembering our veterans, so no column on Monday. But we’ve got some sizzling scoop coming your way Tuesday, so y’all come back now, ya hear?