Bitch-Back! So So So Sick of Speidi

PacificCoastNews.com

Dear Ted:
If Heidi and Spencer are such a nuisance, why do you and others continue to cover them? Their routine must get boring after a while.
—dnnro

Dear Speidi Ban:
The depths of their desperate need for attention keep us interested. They, themselves, do not.

Dear Ted:
I actually read Christopher Ciccone's "tell all" (tell little?) about his sister Madonna. Why is he so quiet now after the divorce announcement? Is he hoping to win his way back into her good graces now that his supposed nemesis Guy Ritchie is out of the picture? Do you think Alex Rodriguez will be more welcoming/accepting of him?
—Molly

Dear Sister Blister:
Keeping his yap shut now isn't gonna win him any brownie points with Madge, who seems merciless at the moment. And we think C.C. won't have any opinions on A-Rod, since M won't let her bro anywhere near him.

Dear Ted:
Is Stud-Bucket LeBeouf One Fine-Print Prick Blind Vice Ben Affleck? Would you please run a list of folks who aren't Toothy Tile to help me narrow the field?
—Cheryl

Dear All About the Benjamins:
What am I, your lackey? There's a whole Toothy-dedicated site that should help you out, prolly won't have any trouble finding it. And Stud isn't exactly an actor type, at least not always.

Dear Ted:
I have been an avid reader of the Awful Truth for about five years, and I am a huge fan. I always wonder why we make a huge deal of the alternative reasons Jake is with Reese, but we do not question Reese's questionable devotion for being with Jake. She's surely not so desperate, right?
—Kate, New Orleans

Dear Wondering Witherspoon:
Well...I wouldn't say so, but some folks might. You see, she's very fond of Jake, that's why. Truly.

Dear Ted:
I think Stud-Bucket LeBeouf is Antonio Banderas—will you let me know if I am right? I love your column—first thing I read when I get to work.
—Kim

Dear Blind Banderas:
A.B. is still, against all odds, stickin' with wifey Mel, as far as we know. You're warmer, origin-wise.

Dear Ted:
Thanks for including Coretta King's thoughtful words on equality in a recent column—it's always struck me as a better concept for a national motto than "In God We Trust", no? Good luck sending Prop 8 back up the sphincter from which it came! In other news: Finnegan Furrow-Brow is LeBron. Clearly.
—tdfaerie

Dear Almost Wise Words:
Thanks for backing up some basic human rights stuff, wish everyone thought equality was old news. Sorry to say, wrong on LeBron, think more, uh, studious. Slightly.

Dear Ted:
Get Off Your Butts and Vote...bravo Ted! No matter for whom....even more bravos!
—jeln

Dear Brava:
Takes one to know one, eh?

Dear Ted:
What is your take on why Angelina is suddenly talking marriage in the press lately? Personally, I think it is all part of her breakup strategy. You know, playing the old, "I had your babies and you still won't marry me" card to get sympathy for when she dumps Brad. I was just curious as to what your take is since you seem to be the only one gutsy enough to tell the truth about her.
—Mandy

Dear Designing Woman:
My take? She's bored. Getting ready for the next phase.

Dear Ted:
Filme musical no cinema sobre tia cleop? Sera que isso vai dar certo???? tchiiiiiiiiiiiiii, kisses and kisses, cri.

Dear Translator Necessito:
Whatever you're sayin', we're just as outraged.

Dear Ted:
Finally got around to seeing Katie Holmes on Eli Stone and have to say that you were right. She's too tall, too thin and was too inconsistent in both dancing and singing to pull off the opening number. On the other hand, she was perfectly fine for the rest of the show. She does have acting chops (and was definitely not a fembot). Do you read comments to your entries? If someone got and Blind Vice right there, would you acknowledge it?
—lkarnick

Dear Real Curious:
Thanks, I agree, yes and sometimes.

Dear Ted:
Any idea when we can expect Guy Ritchie to put pen to paper about his marriage? Love all things Madonna, but I love her trashy, eccentric side the most. Great column, great writing, love the yellow.
—jlviolette

Dear Guy Tells All:
The prissy, British children's book author schtick wasn't doing it for ya? Wasn't doing it for Madge, either, surprise, surprise. Wait until Ritchie has Rocco back, and expect some Madonna-esque characters in Guy's post-split flicks, too.

Dear Ted:
Got an Oprah question for you. Is she or is she not with Stedman?
—Mel

Dear Det. Dating:
Take it from O, they're "together," tho Ms. Winfrey spends more time with her celebrity guests than her man.

—Additional sass by Becky Bain